Friday, June 29, 2012

The Magazine

I have a bone to pick with Oprah. Oprah Winfrey. You heard right, I'm not afraid to pick bones with her majesty, I've got some balls.

Here's the thing. I used to have a subscription to O magazine. No, it did not come free with my subscription to the Utne Reader or Atlantic Monthly, or the New Yorker, I ordered it of my own free will, and I enjoy it. I even read Dr. Phil and Oprah's what I know for sure, and it helps me kill time while I'm not cooking dinner. Anyhoo, I started to get real irritated because I believe that, as a subscriber, someone who keeps circulation numbers up and helps sell advertising so Oprah can buy more dogs and chenille throws, I should receive the magazine at least one day before it hits the news stands, and never one day later. But that didn't happen with O. I would go to the grocery store, and longingly look at the issue in the magazine rack, wanting desperately to read what nuggets Suze Orman had for me, and I would have to wait, sometimes very impatiently, for my issue to come in the mail. I even called the 800 number for the circulation department a few times to complain, and all they could tell me was that it isn't considered late until the last day of the month of the issue, or some B.S. like that.

I let my subscription lapse for this reason. I thought, "to hell with this." and I started to buy it at the grocery store along with tampons and instant oatmeal. But the cover price is so much more than the subscription price, and I love getting anything in the mail that isn't junk or bills, and Oprah herself kept sending me letters and offers for 50% of the newstand price, and finally I succumbed to her wooing, and ordered a two- year subscription.

Yesterday, I watched the Oprah episode with Ellen Degeneres and Portia DeRossi talking about their love (I let Leila watch it too, I thought it was a good teachable moment) and Oprah and Ellen went on and on about how they shot the cover for the December issue ON NEWS STANDS NOVEMBER 12! They were on Michigan Avenue in Chicago giving away free autographed copies, and you know what? I DONT HAVE MY NOVEMBER ISSUE YET! Don't tease me with December when I haven't even seen the Thanksgiving recipes that I will never make in the November issue!

As I write this, I am worried that I did get the November issue, and on of my rare cleaning jags, I put it away in the designated magazine place in my bedroom and forgot about it. Hold on a sec' I'm gonna go check...

No! Ha! I was right! October is in there, and November is nowhere! My subscription just started a few months ago so I have, like, a year and a half of this bullshit left.

I'm calling you out, Oprah! (or Ms. Winfrey if you're nasty) I want my November issue in the mail TODAY and I want the December issue in the mail TOMORROW, one day before I see it in the grocery store, or else! Or else I will, um, not watch your favorite things episode? Nah, can't do that, I love that episode. I know! I will NOT read your book club selection! So there!!!

(Here's the other thing, though: if, like in my fantasy land where I'm thin and my feet are two sizes smaller, I am ever on the Oprah show, or if she showed up at my door with a camera crew to hand me my November issue in person, I would totally recant and blubber and be all, "Oh, Oprah, I didn't really mean it! Your magazine is always worth the wait! Ha ha ha!" So really, I don't have any balls at all.)

***ADDENDUM*** Just got my mail, and my magazine did not come today. Oh, its ON!


Do you see what I see?

Um, so, okay. The other night, a few hours after I wrote the last post, giving Oprah what for, I was watching a movie on TV, and I happened to glance down at the little shelf under the side table where we keep, um, magazines. I saw exactly what is pictured above. Inside the circle is the familiar font that is found on the cover of, um, O Magazine. I reached over and picked it up and, um, it was the November issue that I had just finished ranting about.

It gets worse.

I showed it to Rob, I felt like a moron, and when the movie was over, I thumbed through it. Not only did I receive the November issue, probably on time, but I'd already read it. I hadn't just given it a cursory glance, either. I had read everything that I was interested in reading, so I'm done with it and can pass it on to another reader.

Then you know what happened today? November 12th? I got the December issue, right when Oprah said I would.

So, its time to eat a little shit, and apologize to Oprah and her circulation department, who were a few days away from getting a bitchy call from me. Sorry, guys, I'm a loser.

But! In my defense! My furniture is all jumbled up because of the new sofa! I was overwhelmed by decorating projects and my impending trip and my birthday, and I was, y'know, confused!!!

No, I'm just a loser. I'm tired from all this apologizing, so I'm now going to put my feet up on my new sofa, and read the December issue of O magazine, and a month from now I will probably be in a huff because I will think I never got it.

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