Here's
the thing. I used to have a subscription to O magazine. No, it did
not come free with my subscription to the Utne Reader or Atlantic
Monthly, or the New Yorker, I ordered it of my own free will, and I
enjoy it. I even read Dr. Phil and Oprah's what I know for sure,
and it helps me kill time while I'm not cooking dinner. Anyhoo, I
started to get real irritated because I believe that, as a subscriber,
someone who keeps circulation numbers up and helps sell advertising so
Oprah can buy more dogs and chenille throws, I should receive the
magazine at least one day before it hits the news stands, and never one
day later. But that didn't happen with O. I would go to the grocery
store, and longingly look at the issue in the magazine rack, wanting
desperately to read what nuggets Suze Orman had for me, and I would have
to wait, sometimes very impatiently, for my issue to come in the mail.
I even called the 800 number for the circulation department a few times
to complain, and all they could tell me was that it isn't considered
late until the last day of the month of the issue, or some B.S. like
that.
I let my subscription lapse
for this reason. I thought, "to hell with this." and I started to buy
it at the grocery store along with tampons and instant oatmeal. But
the cover price is so much more than the subscription price, and I love
getting anything in the mail that isn't junk or bills, and Oprah herself
kept sending me letters and offers for 50% of the newstand price, and
finally I succumbed to her wooing, and ordered a two- year subscription.
Yesterday, I watched the Oprah
episode with Ellen Degeneres and Portia DeRossi talking about their
love (I let Leila watch it too, I thought it was a good teachable
moment) and Oprah and Ellen went on and on about how they shot the cover
for the December issue ON NEWS STANDS NOVEMBER 12! They were on
Michigan Avenue in Chicago giving away free autographed copies, and you
know what? I DONT HAVE MY NOVEMBER ISSUE YET! Don't tease me with
December when I haven't even seen the Thanksgiving recipes that I will
never make in the November issue!
As
I write this, I am worried that I did get the November issue, and on of
my rare cleaning jags, I put it away in the designated magazine place
in my bedroom and forgot about it. Hold on a sec' I'm gonna go check...
No! Ha! I was right!
October is in there, and November is nowhere! My subscription just
started a few months ago so I have, like, a year and a half of this
bullshit left.
I'm calling you
out, Oprah! (or Ms. Winfrey if you're nasty) I want my November issue
in the mail TODAY and I want the December issue in the mail TOMORROW,
one day before I see it in the grocery store, or else! Or else I will,
um, not watch your favorite things episode? Nah, can't do that, I love
that episode. I know! I will NOT read your book club selection! So
there!!!
(Here's the other thing,
though: if, like in my fantasy land where I'm thin and my feet are two
sizes smaller, I am ever on the Oprah show, or if she showed up at my
door with a camera crew to hand me my November issue in person, I would
totally recant and blubber and be all, "Oh, Oprah, I didn't really mean
it! Your magazine is always worth the wait! Ha ha ha!" So really, I
don't have any balls at all.)
***ADDENDUM*** Just got my mail, and my magazine did not come today. Oh, its ON!
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED...
Do you see what I see?
Um, so, okay. The other night, a few hours after I wrote the last post, giving Oprah what for,
I was watching a movie on TV, and I happened to glance down at the
little shelf under the side table where we keep, um, magazines. I saw
exactly what is pictured above. Inside the circle is the familiar font
that is found on the cover of, um, O Magazine. I reached over and
picked it up and, um, it was the November issue that I had just finished
ranting about.
It gets worse.
I
showed it to Rob, I felt like a moron, and when the movie was over, I
thumbed through it. Not only did I receive the November issue, probably
on time, but I'd already read it. I hadn't just given it a cursory
glance, either. I had read everything that I was interested in reading,
so I'm done with it and can pass it on to another reader.
Then you know what happened today? November 12th? I got the December issue, right when Oprah said I would.
So,
its time to eat a little shit, and apologize to Oprah and her
circulation department, who were a few days away from getting a bitchy
call from me. Sorry, guys, I'm a loser.
But!
In my defense! My furniture is all jumbled up because of the new
sofa! I was overwhelmed by decorating projects and my impending trip
and my birthday, and I was, y'know, confused!!!
No,
I'm just a loser. I'm tired from all this apologizing, so I'm now
going to put my feet up on my new sofa, and read the December issue of O
magazine, and a month from now I will probably be in a huff because I
will think I never got it.
No comments:
Post a Comment