Thursday, September 30, 2010

Catching some zzzzz's.. I mean cheeeeese...

I have been having the weirdest sleep lately!  Starting with the President-Obama-and-his-flan dream, then not being able to sleep after 3:30 in the morning, then a snorefest, which I'll tell you about in a minute, then this morning I dreamt that I was sitting on a toilet with no walls around it and people walking by, and I had a big block of orange cheddar cheese in my hand, and trying to cut it with a butter knife which proved difficult.  I was literally sitting on the toilet, trying to cut the cheese.  Honestly.  I have woken myself up with my own farts before, but this is ridiculous.

The one night I did have a most delicious, long, dreamless sleep, I woke up in the morning, took Leila to school, them came home and slept for two more hours.  It was wonderful.  Rob told me on the phone later that I was snoring like my dad for hours during the night.  He jiggled the bed and I stopped for a minute, but then I went right on sawing logs.  Must have been that pill I took that was leftover from my last trip to the dentist.  That's not the best part, though.  The best part is that he knew that I'd been having trouble sleeping and not feeling well so he didn't wake me to get me to stop snoring!  He let me keep him up all night so I could sleep!  Isn't that the sweetest thing, EVER??  Poor guy.  He really needs his nine hours, too.  I don't normally snore, (or fart myself awake for that matter) and neither does Rob.  He was surprised the dog didn't start barking at the noise and we didn't get complaint calls from the neighbors.

Other than that, I am feeling much, much better.  I washed the dog today, I'm getting caught up on some laundry, I even mopped my kitchen floor for the first time in 2010.  I had a pack of peanut butter m&ms, and then read on the package that it was the "sharing size for two!"  Awesome.  The floor is still wet, and I don't know what to do now.  Pay some bills? Go through the pile of magazines and catalogs? reorganize the hall closet?  Take a little nappy?.....

Monday, September 27, 2010

You Give Me Fever

I got sick just in time for the weekend.  I would have gone into a complete panic and started lining up child care for what was sure to be another hospital stay, but I was too tired.  You know what bugs me about being sick, aside from, y'know, not feeling that great?  Its that I will give myself over to the virus, in this case for two days, just laying around, drinking tea, watching movies, wasting away, and then on Monday morning, I'm still sick!  Its not fair!  I gave two full days to this thing, and its still around.  I don't feel any worse, but I don't feel that much better.  I have a whole Brenda Vaccaro thing going on.

I did decide to just bust on through it today, though.  We were out of milk, and I had a plan to get my toenails done with a friend and I wasn't going to pass that up, so I just muscled through.  I still don't feel too great, and I think its time for more advil.  I watched the original Wall Street movie (Charlie Sheen was just a baby!) and Looking for Mr. Goodbar.  Wow.  If you've never seen it, just be okay with that and move on with your life.

We're also having a heat wave, and you know how much I hate the heat.  Laying on the couch is not all that relaxing when you're sweating and thinking you must have a fever.

Is that enough bitching and moaning for you?  Don't I have anything nice to say at all?  My toenails look real perdy, and I had a delicious sandwich.  This coke I'm drinking is awesome, and tonight I get to watch Mad Men.  In a few minutes, I will take L to piano lessons where she will kick some serious piano ass, and then I will come home and faint from the heat and not make dinner.  At some point in there, I will run the dryer because its too hot for the heat from the dryer to make any difference.  Rob just has to have the red shirt TODAY!   You know, I do have a pretty good story about L opening her first bank account, but it will wait for another day.  Ciao.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Underpants Flashing

Where have I been, you ask?  I ask the same thing.  I've been sleepy, people.  I've been busy doin' stuff, I've been eating and napping.  The week has just slipped through my chubby little fingers, and now its already cocktail time.

I worked at Leila's old preschool today, for fun and profit.  I figured it would be easier than it used to be since I don't have to take any of those little effers home afterward, and I was right.  I forgot how much crying there is in preschool.  But they are some sweet little buggers, man.  One girl kept pulling her dress up and rolling around on the carpet and then saying, "don't look at my underpants!"  Well, stop SHOWING THEM TO ME!  Another little kid had swiped his grandmother's cell phone and was carrying it in his pocket, and it was ringing all morning.  We finally realized during morning circle time that it wasn't a toy, and when the teacher answered it, it was the phone's owner, frantically wondering where her phone was.  That was pretty awesome.

I met a little girl named Eve and a little boy named Charlie whose overflowing cuteness knocked me out.  So cute.  And then I went home to nap in peace and quiet, and I didn't have to wipe any noses, or change any diapers.  Like early grandparenthood.

Ahhh, well, hm.  I don't really have a whole lot to talk about.  I had another stupid dream where Rob hired the aging cast of the Brady Bunch to come to my birthday party, and they outnumbered my actual friends.

I'll write again when something actually happens.  Peace out.

p.s. It was my blogerversary the other day.  Two years of random bullshit!  Congratulations to me, I finally found a hobby!

Monday, September 20, 2010


I had a dream last night that I was advising President Obama.  He was serving flan at his meetings and people were falling asleep, so I suggested he serve hard boiled eggs and fruit.

Why did my brain need to be filled with that nonsense last night?  I could have used a long, dreamless sleep, but instead, I'm telling the President what to serve at meetings in the oval office, and its food I don't even like! 

I'm having a hard one today.  Really tired, and somehow unsettled.  I'm trying to figure out exactly what's bugging me.  It could be the unpleasant woman I had words with yesterday, it could be that my Sunday was just especially tiring, it could be that my toenails look ghastly, it could be something I ate, I have no idea.  All I know is, after I came back from the grocery store this morning and put all the crap away, I went back to bed in my clothes - including adorable scarf - and slept like the dead for two and a half hours.  Then I got up and made a smoothie and had a bowl of lucky charms.  I think this day is over for me.   I'm just going to bide my time, doing as little as possible, until bedtime and start over tomorrow.  This day is a mulligan.  A do-over.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dryer Update

I tried to include a link to a New York Times article about using less detergent, but it made me sign in and stuff and I was not into that, so I thought I would just tell you about it today.  Then I'll stop writing about dryers because, honestly, I can't believe I've written about them this much.

Okay, so the article was echoing what I was saying, about using way less detergent.  It said to do a test:  Put some of your towels into the washer on hot with no detergent.  Start the washer and watch to see if any suds form.  If suds are forming, they are detergent residue from the towels themselves!  Crazy!  It took one lady six washes before all the soap was out of her towels.  I did this test today, and I had no suds.  I was a little disappointed.   I also had to leave to pick up the kid from school, so I didn't add the vinegar.

Okay, I've started to bore myself.  Time for a nap!  If you want to read the article, search on detergent, New York Times.  I think you'll find it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm So Freakin' Old

God, I'm so fat and sleepy and old and hungry.  I got new lenses in my glasses.  I hadn't had my eyes checked for seven years (I thought it had been, like, four) and my right eye was exactly the same, but my left eye was all effed up.  My old prescription was just barely a prescription; just so I didn't get headaches while using the computer.  But the new one... whoa.  These things are actually like glasses rather than a wardrobe accessory.  The eye doctor guy looked at my file and saw my age (39 and 10 months) and was all "Oh.  Yeah, well, you're at that age."  uh huh, yeah...

So now I'm looking at my screen with these new old-lady glasses, and I think they're making me nauseous.  That's normal right? I can't accidentally wear them across the house to go check the laundry, I learned that the hard way.  I'll have to get one of those little beaded strings that ladies of a certain age attach their glasses to so they can read menus and parking tickets.

And!  I am hungry all the time.  I just want to eat eat eat.  I guess that's not new, but its really intense right now, and no, I'm not getting my period.   I eat something, and I just want to eat more.  And I don't even have the benefit of being high.

Here's something totally else, though.  The post I did on appliance maintenance the other day?  That post got me more attention in the schoolyard than a bad reputation.  Bored Housewives all over the place had all kinds of questions about their washer and dryers.  I feel like I should ask the maintenance man who came to my house to do a seminar in my living room where I serve cosmopolitans and he explains how to flush the water pump on your washing machine.  I forgot to tell you the most important thing he said!  Its about detergent, for dish washers and for washing machines: for a front loading washing machine, A) only use high efficiency detergent (the regular kind gets way more sudsy and can kill your washer,) and B) only use a shot-glass full.  He said he uses powdered detergent and actually put a shot glass in the box to remind his wife.  The same is apparently true for top loaders and  dishwashers.  Do not go by what the label on the detergent says!  I have tried it for you on about six loads of laundry, and I can attest that there has been no difference between the loads I did with a half a cup or more of detergent, and the shot-glass amount.  All our underpants are clean and fresh as ever.

And with all the money you save on detergent, you can take me to lunch.
Now I have to take these damn glasses off and go throw up.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Book

Remember when I gave L The Talk?  Remember I told you there was a book I told her I would get her?  I put it off, deciding that I would go get it if she ever asked about it.  Well yesterday, she did.  We were talking about putting a bunch of the story books in her room away, and she asked me, "Remember when you were telling me about your period?" (which sounds like I barricaded the door and made her listen to me alternately laugh and cry while eating microwave popcorn.) "Can you get me that book?"

I pre-read the book yesterday.  Its pretty good.  It explains all about pubic hair and zits and how to wash your hair.  Important information that every almost-9-year-old needs.  At first she said she wanted to read it on her own, but then she changed her mind and wants me to read it to her.  I guess the latter is preferable to me, so I can answer questions on the spot, but I don't know if I'm supposed to say, "Hey! You wanna read that book this afternoon?" or whether I should let her come to me.  Also, do I tell her not to show it to her friends?  Do you think I'll get in trouble with other moms if their daughter's flip through this book and land on the How to Insert a Tampon page?  Its not gross, or anything, just... specific.  I think I'll just leave it on her bed for a few days and see what happens.

Its the next day now, and L did decide to read the book on her own.  When I was tucking her in, I asked her if she had read anything interesting, and she said, "Its private."  Um, WHAT?  But I'm super cool mom!  I'm right here, ready to be cool and hip and open!  What the hell do you mean PRIVATE?!  That's what I wanted to say, but it came out like this: "okay."  Is this where she starts having a life that is totally separate from mine that I don't get to know about?  That's already happened, hasn't it?  Damn.  They're like people that way, aren't they. Double damn.  All this coolness, going to waste.

I'm just realizing that she yelled out from her room asking me if she could circle things in the book, and I told her I didn't think she needed to.  Parenting fail.  If I hadn't said that, she would have marked up the book and I could have looked at what parts she read while she's in school.  Stupid!  Is this the part where I'm supposed to let her have that life that is totally separate from mine that I don't get to know about?  Did I just say that I was going to S.N.O.O.P.?  God help that child if she ever writes in a diary.

Where's my wine?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Jury is in on Banjo

Dude, I'm in Jury duty.  I'm in the jury waiting room, not in the courtroom.  We haven't been called down yet.  I'm really hoping that they settle before we're called so I can go wash the dog.  He stinks.

I think I'll take this opportunity to tell you about Banjo, the monument to my laziness.  Banjo is my new roomba.  If you haven't ever heard of a roomba, its a vacuum cleaning robot.  I swear to God, I'm not making that up.  It sounds too good to be true, but it is true!  In fact, as I sit here in this jury room, listening to some guy over by the window bore those around him with a story about his home construction, Banjo is in my bedroom, vacuuming under my bed!  Isn't that awesome?

It does have its limitations: You think its going to be enough to have all your floors vacuumed by a robot, but then you realize all the other things you'd like a robot to do.  Banjo can not go up on the sofa and suck up dog hair.  I suppose I could give him this opportunity, he shouldn't fall off or anything, but I'd still be on the hook for most of the hair.  It doesn't spot clean your kitchen floors.  There is a product by the same company that is  floor mopping robot, but I just can't. The kitchen floor is free of dust bunnies and other flotsam and jetsam, but the spots are still there necessitating a mop that is not a robot. I think I could put it in the trunk of my car, though.

It will not clean the pink mildew in between my shower tiles, obviously.  The bathroom floor is clean (ish) but I'm on my own with the mildew.  So its not a panacea.  It will not solve all my housekeeping problems.  But it will clean up the cat hair in the bedroom, and that's something.

Why does this chatterbox in the jury room have such a booming voice?  The rest of the people making polite conversation are speaking in hushed murmurs, but this one guy, who wont shut up, his voice just echoes all over the place.  I know all about his construction project, and that he hasn't had a raise in 15 years, and the his partner's daughter is in her second year of college, and he's all the way across the room.  He's wearing a yellow Hawaiian shirt, and has a grey mustache.  Do you think if I stood up and started yelling at him to shut the hell up they would excuse me from jury duty for reason of insanity?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

An Education

I have been thinking about how my car (an 11 year-old, wonderful, worry-free subaru) is about to hit the 100K mile mark, so I took it in for preemptive service.  Then I got to thinking about all the other mechanical devices that are about to hit their "100K mile mark" and decided to thank the universe for my benevolent appliances by giving them some TLC.  I have incredible luck with appliances.  I really shouldn't say that, or I'll jinx it, but I'll knock on wood and say that none of my home appliances have cried uncle, except my water heater.  I think that's pretty good for 13 years, don't you?  I have friends who have had such trouble with appliances and repair guys and getting parts, and my appliances just keep on runnin'!

The guy showed up this morning and proceeded to laugh at how much lint had accumulated behind in the dryer cavity.  He said he couldn't see the motor, and that there was a "quilt" of lint in there.  He cleaned it our before I could take a picture.  Then he cleaned my dryer vents, and pulled out lint balls the size of jack-o-lanterns.  Then he gave me the following advice: (I paid a bunch of money for it, but you're getting it for free) 1) wash your towels with a cup of white vinegar instead of fabric softener or dryer sheets; they come out soft and fluffy and miraculously don't smell like salad dressing. 2) Put a washing machine cleaner (like Affresh) in the washer once a month to keep the water pump cleaned out; if you've never done this, use three in one day, then use them once a month.  Also do this with a cleaner made for dishwasher once a month.  And the dispose all.  I guess this was all his advice, but I thought it was pretty good.  My dryer is going to be so happy!

Hope you had a good long weekend!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


My dog just yacked all over my nice new sofa.  And it wasn't just a neat little pile that I could clean up and then flip the cushion.  Oh no.  That would be too easy.  He was sitting on top of the back cushion like he always does, and without any fanfare, puked right between two cushions, soiling both of them all the way down to the seat where the pool collected.  Three cushions affected.  Shitballs.

Then I girded my loins and armed myself with paper towels, rubber gloves and a trash bag.  I managed to clean up only the pile of puke on the seat before I had to run to kitchen sink and barf myself.  The dog barf didn't even stink, it was just SO GROSS.  I considered calling my neighbor to clean up the barf for me, but thought that might be pushing the good neighbor thing a little too far.  He has disposed of rodents that my cat has brought to the door, but barf is a whole other thing.  Then I called Rob at work and described my predicament.  He is in charge of all things stinky-poopy in this house, including animal vomit, after all.  He sympathized, but would not leave work early to clean the puke, that bastard.

So I put the rubber gloves back on, augmented my supplies with an old, damp dish towel and went to work.  I almost puked again, but managed to stay in control.  It is cleaned up now, but I'm really regretting not having gotten this sofa scotch guarded.

Does anyone know how to deep clean sofa cushions?  Who do I call?  Can I bring them in some place?  I've always had slip-covered sofas, and never bothered to wash them.

It is a really good thing that I like this dog.  Ugh...

Speaking of gross things, have you ever heard of tonsil stones?  Ugh...

The offending animal in less disgusting times...