Friday, July 31, 2009

20 Questions

I'm stealing this from remembermoments who took it from Dawn:

1. I don’t really think I can manage _______________ today.
Tidy up my house and paint baseboards. Making dinner will be a stretch.

2. What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Ugh. A Buttermilk Bite (a donut, but a small one) and 3 sips of Leila's milk.

3. Share some recent good news.
I'm going to Seattle for my BDay weekend to eat crab and hang out with my BFFs. Put on your seatbelts, Seattle!

4. What was the last movie you saw? What did you think of it?
The Hangover. Saw it twice, loved it both times. Will definitely download it when its out on iTunes.

5. If you had to, could you do commentary for a sporting event?
Absolutely not. Actually, with a gun to my head, I could do golf. No one cares what those dudes are saying and they talk constantly, more than me.

6. What makes you feel better when you're sick?
Sugary cereals, My dog.

7. What do you listen to in the car?
iPod on shuffle, though I fast forward until I hit a song I feel like singing too, and then I belt it out like I'm at Madison square garden. Yes, I'm one of those people. Or NPR. Or Sarah and Vinnie podcasts.

8. What were the last five foods you ate?
Oh Jeez. I did not treat my body like a temple in the last 24 hours. OK: a buttermilk bite, a bite of cake, taco salad, chardonnay, bologna sandwich. But all I really wanted was a lobster roll from the restaurant down the street.

9. Who was your first prom date?
William F. It was his prom, I was a sophomore, and we were just friends. We'd been friends since we were little kids. Interesting thing about William, besides the fact that he's finally openly gay, he was 6 feet 7 inches when we went to the prom, and he's 6 feet 9 inches now. That's not nothin'. I love that guy, and I haven't seen him since he came out. I really should hook up with him; I need more gays in my life.

10. What was your first grade teacher's name?
Mrs. Gates

11. How many weddings have you been in?
2, I think. 3, if you count my own.

12. Who is on your "List"?
Find out here

13. I love you more than _____________.
Lobster rolls. Sushi.

14. Oranges or grapefruit?
Oranges! Please!

15. What is the earliest memory you have of your first day of school?
Paint. Naps.

16. Would you ever choose money over love?
I'd like to think I would, but I don't think I could bring myself to do it.

17. Four people who e-mail me regularly:
Joanna, Erin,, my dad

18. What were your favorite books as a child?
Island of the Blue Dolphins. Bridge to Tarabithia.

19. Never in my life:
Swallow. (Did I really just go there?)

20. Ever been given an engagement ring?
Yes, an awesome one that I love and that I can't get off my finger because I'm too fat.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


This is what I'm dealing with...

Here Kitty Kitty

This video tells you everything you need to know about cats. If you don't have a cat, and are considering getting one, this is what you have to look forward to.

Personally, I am done with animals. I have declared it without reservation to my family: No More Animals Ever. When the current ones die, they will not be replaced. Terminus. Finito.

My oldest cat, my first, was a raging bitch the first time I met her. She was eight months old, and I was in the cat social area, test driving her at our local humane society, and she wouldn't let me touch her, hissed, hid, and, inexplicably, I called my husband and wailed, "I love her!!!" Oprah always says that people show you who they are (completely true in my opinion, just look at Lou Dobbs) and so do cats. She's all black, with the silkiest fur you've ever touched, and we named her Sunny. The irony is endless.

It was all fine at first. She was an indoor cat with an eating disorder. We doted on her, we caressed her, we bought her toys, and, except for the indoor part, she seemed pretty happy. She liked me best, and Rob was jealous. Neener neener.

Then one day, I was in a foul mood, and I stopped at the pet supply store to get some cat food. There was a sign on the door that said Kitten Adoptions Today, and I knew when I saw the sign that if I stepped foot in the store, I would walk out with a kitten. I walked in, saw three little orange tabbies, called my husband from the cell phone, and he was at the store in seconds. We chose Dudley, a long skinny thing with enormous ears and a tail that was bent in the middle, and feet like a kangaroo's. We renamed him Sam, bought him his own scratching post and insulted Sunny by bringing him home.

Sunny tortured Sam. Sam just wanted to be friends, to snuggle, but Sunny would have none of it. It was pitiful. But they did serve their respective functions; Sunny would sit on my chest, and Sam would stretch out on Rob's legs, and everyone was happy.

Then we had a baby, and Sunny decided to register her displeasure by peeing the corner of the baby's room. It got so bad that we kicked Sunny out doors (all she ever really wanted) and had to replace the carpet and part of the floor. There was peace. Sunny was happy outside, although happy, for her, is a relative term, and Sam had the bed to himself. Then we got a dog, and all hell broke loose.

I don't know what we were thinking. Sunny hates everyone now. She sometimes sits on my chest and drools on me and lets me pet her. She comes in just often enough to shed black silky hair on everything. Sam is confined to the bedroom. He's on the bed all day, waiting for when we come to bed, so he can stand right between my eyeballs and the TV, and then kneed holes in my arms. I figure they'll start to die while Leila is in high school, and by the time she's in college, I'll be able to use my back bathroom for more than a stinky litter box, and I'll be able to sleep without cat hair on my lips. Dare to dream.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

School Supply Hell

Sometimes, its really hard to be me.

This year is the first year we have to buy school supplies for the kids to bring on their first day of school. There was a program set up where you could order the packet for your kid, and it would be there with their name on it on the first day. I thought I'd order it in July. Y'know, get a jump on things. Turns out, that there was a window, one week, at the end of the school year where you had to place your order. One week! I even read all the crap that gets sent home, and I didn't notice that there was a one-week supply ordering window! So now I had to print out the list, and go to Staples and collect all the stuff, and I thought I'd get a jump on this, since I didn't jump on the other thing.

Leila and I went to Staples after dropping the dog off to get his hair-do done. I had the list, I got a cart and started to look for the first thing on the list, a one-inch binder. Now, there were many one-inch binders to choose from, but I'm so anal that I wanted to make sure Leila had exactly the binder on the list. Guess what? The item numbers and descriptions matched nothing in the store. I threw a few things in the cart that I thought were probably the right things, but the ticonderoga pencils were suppose to come in a package of 12, sharpened, and I only found them in a package of 18, unsharpened. It went on like this for a while, and I was getting progressively more agitated. Leila read the sign on the wall that says "Staples: That was easy." and then added, "No, its not" We ended up putting everything back and leaving the store. It colored my whole day.

I came home and decided to search for all the stuff on line. After a little digging, I found the website associated with the program that pre-makes the packets and was able to order all but four things on there. The item numbers and descriptions matched, the prices were good and all was right with the world. I ended up going back to Staples (I know: obsessed much?) My dear husband reminded me that, if I had missed the window, that meant that loads of parents had missed the window. And if I was having trouble finding all the exact supplies, that meant that loads of kids would show up with all kinds of crap. I bet half the kids wont show up with anything at all. So, I got a composition book, and some glue sticks, but I drew the line at the scotch tape and post it notes. I'll be damned if I was going to pay $7.50 for some rolls of tape, and $18.99 (!) for 3x5 post-it notes! Those Staples kids are out of their minds.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

God, I'm Old

Saturday night, some of the crazy PTA party chicks put together a trip into the big city to go dancing. Here is a list of all the things that made me an old biddy that night:

1) I stressed about shoes: There was going to be some walking and some dancing, and I didn't want my arthritic knee or over-burdened feet to give out on me, so I just bit the bullet and wore sensible shoes. I goosed them up with fishnet knee highs, but, as it turned, out no one took the least bit of interest in my shoes, and once we got to the club, you couldn't even see my shoes.

2) We carpooled in a mini-van-like automobile, and talked about purchasing school supplies on the way there.

3) We were seeing an 80s cover band called Tainted Love. We weren't the only people there who got discounts with our AARP cards (kidding) but there were a few of us. The rest were kids in their 20s who have no business knowing the words to Video Killed the Radio Star. When asked by one of us how on earth they knew this music, the cute boy in the turned up Izod collar with the topsiders and sweater around his shoulders said "From my parents" Ouch.

4) We were wedged in tight on the dance floor. Not only did I not have to worry about my shoes, but I didn't need to worry about my moves either. There was no room to move, unless you were drunk, then you took all the room you needed. I don't mind saying that I threw a few elbows. The drunk girl in front of me kept backing into me, and I didn't think this was fun when I was one of the drunk girls.

5) When the band played Bon Jovi, E's head almost exploded. I don't think she could have been more excited if her "jon jon" were actually in the room.

Here's another thing: There are songs from the 80s that I didn't like in the 80s. But when the band played them, I went nuts along with everyone else. Workin' for the Weedend? I took a bathroom break when that came on MTV 20-odd years ago, but you would have thought it was my favorite song. Also, I knew all the words. How does this happen? I've now downloaded it on iTunes, for peet's sake. You got a piece of my heart, you better start from the start. You wanna be in the show, come on, baby, lets go. What does that even mean?

6) I was wrecked the next day. I had five drinks in seven hours, couldn't have been more sober, and had to take two naps the next day.

7) We were shamelessly judging all the stupid girls in their short short skirts, and watching them get progressively drunker, and lamenting about how their mothers would feel. They were so drunk and trampy, and some of them were crying in corners. Oh, the drama. I'm so glad I'm not 22 anymore. Come to think of it, though, the husbands were kind of quiet on the subject of the trampy girls...

8) This has nothing to do with Saturday night, but it still made me an old codger. Yesterday, Rob and I were driving through town, and some 19 year old stud was jay walking, and when we stopped for him, he sauntered across the street like he had all the time in the world and owned the place. I laid on my horn, and he looked up and went "What!?" like we were interrupting his deep thoughts, and we yelled at him to use the crosswalk 20 feet away. But while I was ranting about how I would have liked to mow him and his attitude down with my station wagon, something made me feel instantly better. I turned to Rob and said, "Just think of all the disillusionment he has in front of him." We just laughed and laughed...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Again with the Camping

A and E on the boat

We're back from camping, and all I can say is thank God! We went camping with our friend A and her kids E and little A. I just love those guys. The kids had fun, and didn't seem to notice that it was 1000 degrees. The campground was on a lake near Grass Valley, and it was the perfect place to go if you have a boat of some kind, preferably of the speed variety, and you have a Ford F250 with which to tow it. Our little station wagon looked puny, and I have no boat. I don't even have a boat neck shirt. I really want a canoe, but I think that may be taking the camping gear a little far.

The people were very nice, even though none of them took pity on us and invited us on their boats and let us use their tubes or wake boards. We spent a lot of time floating around in the murky swim area. I found a discarded pack of cigarettes in the water, and the motor boats were going in and out of the adjacent boat launch, but we had no choice. It was so damn hot, that I would have floated around in a lake full of cold pee just to find relief from that sun.

The kids sat on the sandy shore of the swim area (sandy being a little euphemistic; it was more like sandy/gravelly/sludgy) and made sand castles. They would pop into the water from time to time, and then go right back to making sand castles. On Saturday we rented a boat. Not a fast, fun motor boat from which we could jump in the lake, but a metal fishing boat with a little outboard motor. If you are particularly agile, you could jump out of it, but I defy you to get back in. The limit was five people and we were six, so we had to rent two. We got into the boats and motored off down the lake to another swimming area with a lot of moored boats and kids and people with shade structures and stuff. And you know what? I floated around on a bright blue inner-tube and the kids sat in the gravelly sand and made sand castles. Then the rope came out of the motor on one of the boats when we tried to start it (I swear it was in neutral, I double checked) and A had to tow our boat back to the marina. Money well spent, wouldn't you say?

Really, if it had been 85 or even 90 degrees it would have been more fun, but I'm a wuss about temperatures, I guess. Remember the first camping trip of the season? I froze my ass off? And this time I thought I'd die of heat exhaustion. Good friends make it all worth while though. We had some laughs.

On the way home we stopped at Ikea and I bought Leila a little canopy thing for her bed. She is still thanking me for it. Also, she is in cake decorating camp this week and is having a blast. Look what she made yesterday!!

Little camping cakes!!

and, seriously, how cute is this dog?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Waxing is Not Relaxing

Tomorrow, we're going camping again. Remember when I was running around like a freak getting ready for the first camping trip of the summer? I've hardly done a thing for this one. Haven't even printed out the list. Not even a little bit jittery. We have the whole morning tomorrow to get ready, and Rob will actually be here to help out, so I can coast a little bit.

I do have to get a bikini wax, though. It will be in the 90's where we're going, and I think I will have no choice but to get in the lake to cool off. That means bathing suit, which means bikini wax. Have you ever had a bikini wax? Its a complicated experience. First, I get mine at this spa down the street where many women go to get massages and facials and have relaxing experiences. Waxing is not relaxing. Then I have to strip down and put on these little paper panties. They are one-size-fits-all, but what they really are is one-size-fits-all-thin-people, and they go straight up my butt. I don't know what kind of modesty or dignity this kleenex on a string is supposed to give me, but it actually takes away any dignity I may have had to begin with. Last time I finally insisted on keeping my own underwear on; enough is enough. Then there is the chit chat. I don't really like chit chat, but I'm really good at it. When you go to a new person, a waxer, hair dresser, masseuse, and you chit chat the first time, you've set the precedent for future chit chat. I chit chat with my waxer. She's a nice enough person, but its weird to have someone ask you about your summer while spreading hot wax near your girl parts, and then RIPPING it off. All in the name of beauty. Or, in my case, all in the name of not offending other campers with my tarantula crotch.

Suddenly, thoughts of camping stuff are flooding into my brain. Like how I have to pack up the pancake mix, and get a smaller container of milk, and that I still haven't solved my camping table dilemma. I have to go to the post office. I need rolls. What am I thinking sitting here in my PJs going on and on about bikini waxes? I have to get my rear in gear!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

GC: Its On

All the other people who live in my house are asleep and it 10:15. I can't go to bed now. Its too hot, and I'm not tired, and I don't feel like going to sleep. What I really want is a bowl of the peanut butter 'n' chocolate ice cream from 31 Flavors that is calling to me from the freezer, but I'm afraid I really wont sleep after that.

So I've been thinking about my list from the last entry, and there was a comment that George Clooney is a commitment-phobe, and I was fantasizing about how I could totally be the one to change him, and while I was trying to fall asleep late (after I got out of bed and researched camping tables for a while) I imagined how the changing of him would go. I wouldn't actually have to do anything, it would just be my essence, my wit, my allure that would turn him into my lapdog. Here's what I came up with

Ring Ring (caller ID)

BH (that's me): Why, hello, George, I thought you'd never call.

GC: I just couldn't spend one more day without you. I've tried, but I just can't help myself. I've had smart, beautiful girls who will do absolutely anything I ask, but I'm tired of willowy twenty-somethings who give blow jobs on demand. I think what's been missing in my life is an over-weight suburban housewife with an arthritic knee and chin hairs. If I could have that, I'd be the happiest man in the world.

BH: But, what about my husband?

GC: Seriously? I'm George Clooney.

BH: True, but my child?

GC: Boarding school, naturally. You wont have time to care for her while I'm lavishing you with a luxurious lifestyle every day.

BH: Marvelous. I'm yours.

GC: On one condition: You can't lose a single pound between now and when I pick you up in my private jet. Eschew one jelly donut, and the deal is off. Oh, and no blow jobs.

BH: It will be tough, but I'll do my best.


That could totally happen, right? Monkeys could fly out of my butt, right?

Sunday, July 12, 2009

3 of 5

Alright, enough with Tori and Dean, much as I love them. I am having an 80s music renaissance this weekend. Walk down memory lane, like totally. Songs I never liked then have taken on a new allure. If the music wasn't enough, Valley Girl, the movie, was on last night and I made Rob watch it. It was edited to within an inch of its little life, and without all the swears and stuff, it was missing something. It is amazing how I can practically recite that movie. So much brain space wasted on the script of Valley Girl and the lyrics to Duran Duran. Honestly. The one line I keep repeating in my head is when the girls, those bitchy, bitchy little Valley Girls are sitting at DuPars restaurant, trying to get Julie to get back together with Tommy, the valley-dude, even though Julie loves Randy, the punk rocker from Hollywood, and Julie says, "Randy is, like, totally special to me, Stacey." Its really a terrible movie. The Tivo described it as the love story of a girl with a "regional dialect." It was an important part of California history! An époque! Like, totally, y'know?

Here's the other thing I've been thinking about. Remember in Friends how Ross and Rachel had their five fantasy people that they were allowed to bone if they ever got the chance? I've been thinking about my five, and I don't think I can come up with five. There are some that are on the cusp, but I'm afraid to commit, and they would never sleep with me if they had the chance. Having said that, George Clooney tops my list... But I could totally get him, right? I know George is a cliche choice, but he is just perfection: Handsome, funny, smart, political, single, rich, everything you could want in a man. Then comes John Stewart (smart and funny wins every time) and Paul Rudd (again with the smart and funny) and then I draw a blank. After seeing The Hangover I thought about putting Bradley Cooper on the list because he is just about the cutest thing you ever saw, but I can't quite do it. Why am I so picky about my five? Who cares, right? Who's on your list? Here's a little taste...

Perfection. Call me.

Smart and Funny

Smart and funny and goofy

But what if he's stupid and dull?

Friday, July 10, 2009

Cocktail Time

I've just spent the afternoon finishing Tori's book, Mommywood. It was fine, but not as good as the first one. One thing that was kind of a relief, though, was that, during the current season of Tori and Dean, I couldn't figure out why they had moved again! I felt like the last season ended with them having finished decorating their house, and now they were selling that house and moved in to a different house. Luckily for me, Tori explains this in the book, so now I can sleep nights. Boy, do I need a life.

I could totally write a book as good as Tori Spelling's. My life is at least as interesting as hers, even with out the star-studdedness and the money and the divorce and the full scale memorial for her late pug. Even without the Aaron Spelling money, she's still rolling in it. I'd be curious to find out how much debt she has. Its so none of my business, but I always feel better when I imagine that people with a lot of money have more debt than actual money. I don't have actual money either, but I also don't have debt. Except for a mortgage, but that doesn't count...

My neighbor is over for dinner. I have no food, but we have a car and take-out menus so I'm sure we'll figure something out. I do have stuff for cocktails, so I'll start there...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Book Club

I haven't posted in five days! Wow! Time flies when you're doing absolutely nothing.

I played Wii for the first time on Sunday. We were having dinner at some friends' house, and they have three kids and a Wii fit thing, and the kids were showing me how they can bounce the Wii soccer balls off their heads. Leila tried it, and was, of course, frustrated and embarrassed that she didn't get very many, so I tried it to show her that I sucked at it too. And boy-oh-boy did I suck at it! First of all, I was completely winded after the first few balls, and I was laughing so hard that I just had to stop in the middle and let balls go right past me, and let shoes hit me in the face. This will make no sense if you have never seen this Wii activity, but trust me when I tell you that I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

Leila has asked Santa for a Wii two years in a row, and two years in a row Santa has stiffed her, that rat bastard. I think this year may be her year, though. It was just so much fun! Maybe Santa will take up a collection from the grandparents to finance the Wii and the Wii fit, and maybe, while L is in school, Mommy (that's me) will become the Wii Fit hoola hooping champion of the universe!

One of the reasons I haven't been blogging so much is that I've been catching up on episodes of Tori and Dean. Its like a good book that you can pick up anywhere and be instantly riveted. I watch the episodes out of order, and it doesn't matter at all. Tori's a bit of a cry baby, though. She cries at least three or four times in every episode. What's with the waterworks?

I have my book club meeting here tonight. I would have read the book in its entirety if it hadn't sucked so badly! I gave it 150 pages, and then I tossed it aside in favor of Tori's book. My house is cleaned up (mostly, I'll just close the bedroom doors) and I know what I'm making for dinner, and now, I'm going to take two precious, quiet hours, eat a butterfinger bar, and read Mommywood, by the incomparable Tori Spelling. The next book club book is 400 pages of small print, and I need me some Tori before I embark. Awesome.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Tori is BACK!

Okay, its 2:35 p.m. and you know what I've been doing since I got up this morning? Reading Tori Spelling's book, Stori Telling (isn't that clever?) I was reading a book club book, and lets just say I made it to page 124 and decided life was just too short to read one more page of it. So I went to the library and got Tori.

She is no Danielle Steel. Actually, I've never read Danielle Steel, but lets just say, she's no writer. She's no Bored Housewife. I can only assume that she must have written it herself because I would expect more, like correct grammar, from a ghost writer. Having said that, I started it at 9 this morning and just finished it, including the acknowledgements at the end. I was predisposed to like it, since I am a fan of the Tori and Dean show (which you can read about here, if you haven't already) and I was completely engrossed and entertained by the book. Unlike this month's book club selection. She was very honest (or seemed to be, who really knows?) about situations that don't make her look very good. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I could totally be friends with Tori Spelling. Heaven help me.

The Fair Part Deux

Oooh! Ahhhhh!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Fair is a Veritable Smorgasbord

We went to the county fair today, all three of us. I am beat to shit, my friends. It is hard work to walk slowly in the summer sun for four hours, harder than you might think. I went on one ride, and found out I am too old to go on rides. The thing made one turn and I was ready to puke. Leila loves rides, and she's too big for the little kid rides she used to go on, so its all the hardcore spinny stuff. She went on this one called Cliff Hanger where you lay down on your stomach on this thing that looks like a hang glider and it flings you all over the place. I kept looking up at her, spinning through the air, and thinking, That's my little baby up there!!!

More important than any of the rides, here's what we ate:
Rob started with a corn dog, and a bag of carmel corn. I got some cotton candy and Leila had an ice cream cone. Then Rob and I each had an ear of roasted corn on the cob (so good!) Leila had a slice of cheese pizza, and Rob and I split a piece of pepperoni. I got a coke, Rob had an Arnold Palmer. Then we split a funnel cake with powdered sugar. We were still hungry, so after viewing the home arts show, the pig races and the 4H exhibits, I had some cajun fried shrimp with some french fries and Leila got a sno-cone which Rob ate. I think that's it for the food. It sounds like a lot, but really all I had was: one bite of corn dog, a few pieces of carmel corn, about a third of a bag of cotton candy (the rest is in my purse) an ear of corn (sugar free) half a piece of pepperoni pizza, one third of a funnel cake (less, actually, since Leila is such a hog) 6 battered and fried shrimp and, like, ten french fries, and half a bottle of coke. So I wasn't that piggy. Including admission, we spent about $100. Unbelievable.

The really unbelievable thing is that we're not done. We're at home now to take a little rest, let the dog out, cool off, and then we're going back to probably eat more food (and this time I want something of my own that I'm not sharing with anyone,) and watch the fireworks. Its a long day, but I love it. Worth every penny.

And now for a nap...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


I have nothing to do today. I was so productive yesterday, did more cleaning than I've done in one day, ever, that there's nothing left to do today. I guess that's a bit of an exaggeration. I could dust my bedroom, or vacuum it, I have pictures to put in albums, but that's really about it. Can you believe it? I mean, really, who ever dusts their bedroom or puts pictures in albums? No one, that's who. I am caught up! The pink mildew is gone, and the dishes are done and the beds are made. I must be getting my period.

So now I really am a Bored Housewife. Leila and I have been waiting around all day for her kayaking date with her grandmother, and while she's gone I'll pop over to the grocery store for a few things, maybe even a treat for my oh-so-productive self, and then maybe I'll watch the Sex and the City movie for the 11th time. I even know what I'm making for dinner tonight. This is really unprecedented. Some housewives do this stuff all the time, but its totally new to me. I have a list of back burner projects somewhere, but I think I'll just enjoy my clean house today. Ahhhhhh....