Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Someone Just Kill Me

I was depressed yesterday. I went to my annual lady doctor appointment and had to get on a scale. I routinely turn my back on the scale numbers and ask the weigher not to say the number out loud. I know its ugly, I don't need the stats.

The good news is that I was only 2 pounds heavier than last year. Maybe I've finally reached some kind of plateau. The bad news is that I'm still a cow, and the doc wants me to lose 20 pounds. 20? How about 50? Why not dream big while we're dreaming? Its not like I don't look in the mirror every day and notice that I am a cow. I know what I look like, and I know what size my pants are, I have that much self awareness. Usually, though, other people don't tell you you're a cow, especially people you don't know very well, like my doctor, but she had no trouble telling me I am a cow, and giving me the card of a weight loss specialist. She didn't really use the word cow, but she may as well have. Shit.

So I was blue. And the answer to feeling blue? EAT! I had a massive bacon cheeseburger last night, and every bite of it was delicious. And yes, since you're asking, I did have some fries, and a few sips of a rootbeer (really, I only had a few sips.) Then, this morning, I went to Starbucks and had one of their english muffin sandwiches with sausage. God its good. That should hold me for a while. Here's hoping!

Then I went to the grocery store, and was determined to buy some healthy food. I went to the produce section and wandered around like an alien in a foreign land. I am totally overwhelmed by the produce section of the grocery store. If I'm making a recipe that calls for something specific, I can go right to it, put it in the cart, no sweat. But when all that's on the grocery list is "fruits and vegetables" I'm completely out of my element. I may as well be shopping for fishing rods or x-ray machinery; its all greek to me. I left with some bananas (for Rob, I don't like bananas) a pineapple, and some brussels sprouts. I would love to be one of those people that roams the farmers market, picking up fruit and smelling it for ripeness and delighting in finding the perfect peach, but I am just not that person. I once had one of those organic produce deliveries dropped off at my house twice a month. It turned out to be way too much pressure for me, and a lot of food went to waste, which is a crime in BoredHousewife's America, especially at those prices. It's weird: I had no trouble going to Texas and laying off 30 people, but shove me into the produce aisle and I practically start to cry.

And! The whole time I'm wandering around the produce aisle, my stupid pants are falling down. Not because they're too big, unfortunately, but because the rise is a little low for me, and they keep sliding down just far enough (taking my underpants with them) to be totally uncomfortable and necessitating a mighty tug upward. God, I'm a cow.

You know what I need? I need a non-profit organization in my county that has friendly, loving volunteers who will take my hand through the farmers market every Thursday, and say, "There there, deary." while wiping my tears away and helping me pick out healthy food. Then they will follow me home and help me unpack it or tell me how to prepare it in my kitchen, all the while telling me how great I'm doing, and what a trouper I am. Just like when you give birth; you have all these nurses and stuff in the delivery room cheering you on, like your the best little birth giver they've ever seen, and a few weeks later, when the euphoria wears off you realize, hey, they say that to every body! I wasn't really the best! Its kind of a sad moment. But my vegetable volunteer will be totally sincere, and she'll meet me every week until I'm strong enough to do it on my own, and I've built a repertoire of in-season fruits and veggies that don't scare me. Somebody get on that, okay? Someone out there, right a grant and let me know when to meet my first volunteer.

On another note, you may (or may not) have noticed that on the right side of your screen, there are some ads. I'm just trying this out, to see if anything comes of it. I make more $ if you click on the ads, so if you're feeling generous, or bored, or want to self-flagellate in some way, click your little heart out. I think they use key words in the post to choose the ads, so maybe later I'll make a list of key words to attract ads that might actually be interesting. Like, Free Hamburgers or Cheap Stylish Clothes or New Custom Sofas Half Off. Stuff like that.


lama said...

Awww, I'll help you shop for veggies any day. And try Tivo-ing Emeril Green on the Planet Green network. He'll show you a few things, seriously! He walks around Whole Foods teaching his guest food flunkies which veggies to buy and all about Asian spices and sauces (which I know NOTHING about.) Check it out... Or just come over here and watch it with C and I over a glass of wine after L goes to bed.

rebecca said...

Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything has a great vegetable section. It takes all the stress out of the farmers' market, because whatever you end up with, he's got an easy and yummy way to cook it. I'd be interested in what the weight loss specialist has to say, though. The number on my scale this morning was the Biggest Ever, and that's pretty scary...