My Christmas Wish for you Involves Tori Spelling

I want to thank my parents for going to Tahoe today. Without their absence, I would not be able to sit in the middle of Christmas mess, with dirty dishes in the kitchen, eating McDonalds, letting my kid watch TV in her pajamas all day with her new fairy dolls, while I'm watching a Tori and Dean marathon. I have napped, I have eaten salted caramels and cold, leftover McNuggets, and I haven't burned one calorie all day. If my parents had been here, I would have had to clean up things, go for a walk, and eaten fruit. I would have not been able to be the slothlike lazy-ass that you all know I am.

God, I love Tori Spelling. She cried three times in the first five minutes of the show. This is a very Merry Christmas! Hope you have had as nice a holiday as I am having! Bring on the Chinese food! Walnut prawns for everyone!

Ciao

My mom caught an episode of the Kardashians last night.  My dad was watching a baseball play off game, so she turned on the TV in another room and surfed around until she stumbled on the Kardashians.  She was horrified.  She didn't realize it was a "reality" show, and when she found out this was a real "family", she was double horrified.  I thought for a moment that I had found in her someone with whom I could share my sick little love of the Kardashians, and maybe even pull her into Tori and Dean, but, sadly, no.  She was too grossed out, and changed the channel to watch a rerun of Larry King.  I have to hack in to her Netflix again and fill up her queue.

I am partying like a rock start tonight.  I'm going to drink and eat my weight in hors d'oeuvres and walk home.  Except that right now I feel nauseous.  It could be that I ate nothing but Lucky Charms yesterday.  I made a yummy healthy smoothie today, but I still feel like I'm going to puke.  I'd better not be pregnant.  I will be seriously crabby if that happens.  I have a friend who got pregnant accidentally, and when she found out, all she could say was, "I am so annoyed!"  Fast forward a few years, and now she has an adorable three year-old boy and she's annoyed for completely different reasons.

Can you tell I really don't have much to write about today?  I have a busy weekend ahead and I hope I don't burp through the whole thing like I am right now.  Ciao.

Cocktail Time

I've just spent the afternoon finishing Tori's book, Mommywood. It was fine, but not as good as the first one. One thing that was kind of a relief, though, was that, during the current season of Tori and Dean, I couldn't figure out why they had moved again! I felt like the last season ended with them having finished decorating their house, and now they were selling that house and moved in to a different house. Luckily for me, Tori explains this in the book, so now I can sleep nights. Boy, do I need a life.

I could totally write a book as good as Tori Spelling's. My life is at least as interesting as hers, even with out the star-studdedness and the money and the divorce and the full scale memorial for her late pug. Even without the Aaron Spelling money, she's still rolling in it. I'd be curious to find out how much debt she has. Its so none of my business, but I always feel better when I imagine that people with a lot of money have more debt than actual money. I don't have actual money either, but I also don't have debt. Except for a mortgage, but that doesn't count...

My neighbor is over for dinner. I have no food, but we have a car and take-out menus so I'm sure we'll figure something out. I do have stuff for cocktails, so I'll start there...

Book Club

I haven't posted in five days! Wow! Time flies when you're doing absolutely nothing.

I played Wii for the first time on Sunday. We were having dinner at some friends' house, and they have three kids and a Wii fit thing, and the kids were showing me how they can bounce the Wii soccer balls off their heads. Leila tried it, and was, of course, frustrated and embarrassed that she didn't get very many, so I tried it to show her that I sucked at it too. And boy-oh-boy did I suck at it! First of all, I was completely winded after the first few balls, and I was laughing so hard that I just had to stop in the middle and let balls go right past me, and let shoes hit me in the face. This will make no sense if you have never seen this Wii activity, but trust me when I tell you that I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

Leila has asked Santa for a Wii two years in a row, and two years in a row Santa has stiffed her, that rat bastard. I think this year may be her year, though. It was just so much fun! Maybe Santa will take up a collection from the grandparents to finance the Wii and the Wii fit, and maybe, while L is in school, Mommy (that's me) will become the Wii Fit hoola hooping champion of the universe!

One of the reasons I haven't been blogging so much is that I've been catching up on episodes of Tori and Dean. Its like a good book that you can pick up anywhere and be instantly riveted. I watch the episodes out of order, and it doesn't matter at all. Tori's a bit of a cry baby, though. She cries at least three or four times in every episode. What's with the waterworks?

I have my book club meeting here tonight. I would have read the book in its entirety if it hadn't sucked so badly! I gave it 150 pages, and then I tossed it aside in favor of Tori's book. My house is cleaned up (mostly, I'll just close the bedroom doors) and I know what I'm making for dinner, and now, I'm going to take two precious, quiet hours, eat a butterfinger bar, and read Mommywood, by the incomparable Tori Spelling. The next book club book is 400 pages of small print, and I need me some Tori before I embark. Awesome.

Tori is BACK!

Okay, its 2:35 p.m. and you know what I've been doing since I got up this morning? Reading Tori Spelling's book, Stori Telling (isn't that clever?) I was reading a book club book, and lets just say I made it to page 124 and decided life was just too short to read one more page of it. So I went to the library and got Tori.

She is no Danielle Steel. Actually, I've never read Danielle Steel, but lets just say, she's no writer. She's no Bored Housewife. I can only assume that she must have written it herself because I would expect more, like correct grammar, from a ghost writer. Having said that, I started it at 9 this morning and just finished it, including the acknowledgements at the end. I was predisposed to like it, since I am a fan of the Tori and Dean show (which you can read about here, if you haven't already) and I was completely engrossed and entertained by the book. Unlike this month's book club selection. She was very honest (or seemed to be, who really knows?) about situations that don't make her look very good. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I could totally be friends with Tori Spelling. Heaven help me.

Lorelei Gilmore

My feet are freezing right now. Its rainy and cold and I love it. We even had thunder. The dog wigged out, but I could listen to it all day. I was hoping to clean up some today, and maybe make some dinner, but my legs are bugging me, so there you go. The dog got his hair-do done today, so he is very pretty and fluffy, and Leila is doing some training with him in the kitchen. She has successfully taught him to spin in a circle, jump over a stick and crawl under her legs when she says "Tunnel!" I taught him to give his paw, my sister-in-law taught him to roll over. Now if we could only teach him to come and stay and keep off the cat, we'd be in business. "Beg" is a little difficult. He keeps jumping toward the treat instead of sitting on his haunches, and Leila doesn't really know what "beg" looks like. I think the dog is confused, and I can't really blame him. He sure does like those chicken hot dogs, though.

Anyhoo, now Leila and I are going to check out a Gilmore Girls rerun. I've seen the entire series from beginning to end already, and now I'm watching it again. This show is so watchable, even though most of the characters are annoying, and everyone argues all the time. It makes me wonder if people in Connecticut are big arguers. I could never be friends with Lorelei Gilmore. Not like Tori Spelling, or another woman that I saw on TV recently and thought, "I could totally be friends with her." but now I can't remember who it was. I think Lorelei would be a really annoying friend. First of all, she's skinny even though she talks about eating all the time. Remember in Will and Grace, they were always talking about how much Grace ate, and the whole time she weighed 89 pounds? So Lorelei must be a purger, and she talks faster than me, and I get the feeling she thinks her shit don't stink. Luke, the owner of the Stars Hollow diner (we're still on Gilmore Girls, in case you lost track) is pretty sexy when he takes of his baseball cap, which is reason enough to watch the show. His real name is Scott Patterson, if you want to look him up.

I gotta go, I'm missing the show. I really want take out tonight.

Fame and Infamy

OK, two funny things. Last night my friend called me to let me know that there is another Bored Housewife blog, which I kind of knew in the back of my mind, but I'd never checked it out. Seems that the other bored housewife is a woman in Maine who uses her blog as a place for her "sexy thoughts" and it has a picture of what I assume are her legs with her hand on her hoo-ha. No picture of her face. Now, I am all for expressing yourself any way you want, and I'm all for erotica, and try to have sexy thoughts as often as possible, so I take no issue with her content, and I think she was BoredHousewife before I was. What I think is funny, is that if I'm telling someone the name of my blog, and they don't get it completely right, they might end up thinking that I'm the boredhousewife from Maine with all the sexy thoughts and the nakedness, when I'm really the bored house in California who keeps the lights off whenever possible. Can you imagine? You're a mom that I see in the school yard (or a dad, even) and I say to you, "Check out my blog!" and you go home and type in bored housewife and see Sexy-thoughts with her hand on her parts and you think its me. For all I know, there are parents all over the elementary school thinking I'm some kind of flasher. Luckily, I think this is funny, and I think a notorious reputation as someone who writes erotic poetry on the internet would be one way to keep things interesting on the PTA. Not to worry, I wont be sharing any sexy thoughts unless its absolutely necessary, and I cannot for the life of me think of circumstances under which it would be necessary.

OK, funny think number two: My neighbor googled Boredhousewifesyndrome and found that my humble blog is on some Tori Spelling fan/stalker site! Can you believe it? As much as I love the Tori and Dean show, and as much as I think I could be friends with Tori, it would never occur to me to check her out on line, and search her fan sites. But apparently, that's what pops up when you google this blog. Don't worry, Tori! I much to lazy to stalk you!

I really want a pizza...

Tori vs. Turkey Vultures

     Today I went on a field trip with Leila's class to Wildcare, a wild animal hospital nearby.  One kid got stung by a yellow-jacket, and I loved the turkey vulture, which I never thought would happen.  They are so ugly, those birds, and just eating dead stuff makes them kind of gross, and if they get dead guts on their legs they pee on themselves to wash off, and they puke as a way to get away from predators, and they're just naturally disgusting.  But this turkey vulture had personality, he showed off for the kids, he spread his wings, he climbed around, he was very charming.  I like being surprised like that.  Like when I realized I liked the Tori and Dean show, only better because this was educational.  I also learned something very interesting about ravens and crows: if its a raven, the tail will be shaped like a letter V, and if its a crow it will have a blunt tail.  The raven was the only bird in the place with toys in its enclosure, and I wondered if all the other birds were jealous, or if they disliked the raven because he's clearly spoiled.  He did not have personality like the turkey vulture, I'll tell you that much.  I am not a fan of ravens or crows.  We have too many of them around here, and they make such a racket and they intimidate the other birds with their winner-take-all attitudes.  I also suspect that they attack the ducklings in the pond, so they make my list of evil birds.  We also have a lot of Canada geese in the park near here, and their poo is insane.  Its huge and everywhere.  Our town has a goose abatement program where a border collie wearing a little red vest runs around  the flock of geese lounging on the grass and scares the hell out of them.  They fly off to the athletic field of the high school in the next town over and become that town's problem.  I'm always nervous when they are flying over head; one of their turds could really pack a wollop.  Didn't know you'd be catching Nature Hour with Monica, did you? What can I say?  I'm a renaissance woman, and I can learn as much from a field trip as a bunch of first graders.  Did you also know that, when threatened, a gopher snake pretends to be a rattle snake by shaking is tail, thus causing a rustling sound in the grass?  Its true.  Who knew that a snake could pretend anything?  Except for cartoon snakes, maybe.  

     Tomorrow is Saturday.  I love Saturday, but sometimes it turns out to be disappointing.  I always have all these things I want to accomplish, and then we end up sitting around.  My husband, bless him, wants to help out on the weekends.  I'll turn the corner to find him sorting laundry or something, and I know I'm supposed to be happy that I have a man who helps around the house, but instead it makes me defensive, like he's commenting on my job performance.  I told my mom this, and she, with her 1950's sensibility, said "Well, he probably is."  He's not my boss, mom!  I have asked him to do the dishes on the weekend.  I don't really need a break from most things, but dishes, yes, he can do them for a day or two.  He always leaves things, though.  There's always a pan on the stove that he "didn't see" or a passive aggressive cup or something next to the sink.  I also have to redo at least one dish when he does the dishes.  Its amazing how he can miss whole morsels of food sticking to a pot.  How does he not see it?  

     Ok, this has gone on long enough.  I have to go feed my loathsome cat who is driving me crazy meowing at the front door.  She has an eating disorder, and she hates us, but I don't think one thing has anything to do with the other.  Have a nice weekend!

WWTD? (What Would Tori Do?)

     I have some in-between time right now, so I thought I'd write.  I have tons of errands to do, but not enough time before I pick up the kid from school, so I'm stuck.  What?  Clean something, you say?  Nonsense!  This is much more fun.

     Tomorrow is International Walk and Roll to school day, and this year I am in charge of it.  Not for the entire international community, you understand; no, my friends in Sweden are on their own.  Sounds easy, right?  Get kids to walk or ride their bike to school for one day?  No problem!  Wrong.  There are meetings and boxes and banners and e-mails, and flyers and posters and all kinds of other things that go into getting a kid to walk to school.  Use to be, you put on your backpack and kissed your mom goodbye while she sat at the kitchen table in her bathrobe (counting the seconds until you left, I have now learned)  and walked your sorry third grade ass to school, but not so anymore.  I have had it up to here (points at forehead)  with this project.  I can't wait until its over, and over it will be tomorrow morning at around 8:15.  The person from whom I am taking this over has done it for the last five years.  She's one of those moms who has lots of energy and is really dedicated, and it exhausts me.  Last year, she won the PTA's volunteer of the universe award, and her husband is the damn mayor, and she has solar panels on her house and two hybrid cars in her driveway and she totally walks the talk (no pun intended, although, on second thought...)  and all that is really fabulous, and I, bored housewife who loves the Tori and Dean show, have to follow that act?  What, on God's green earth, was I thinking?  

     Admittedly, I have taken on too much.  I am on the PTA board, I'm the head room parent for my daughter's class, I'm the friend of the Foundation for my daughter's class (a mercifully small job) and team leader for the Walk and Roll thing.  I thought if I was going to be a stay at home parent, I should get involved, be a Mom, bake things, volunteer.  I thought I would become one of those energetic moms who run around the school with their blackberries and their exercise clothes, and I would love it and be so happy.  Either I am really a sloth-like person, or all those moms are on something. Really, I am beginning to understand the suburban meth problem.  The energy and sense of fulfillment I was expecting has yet to hit me, and I think all these other moms are secretly suffering and wishing they could watch Tori and Dean.  During the PTA meeting this morning, several moms, including me, were so excited because another mom had saved her Halloween party sign-up sheet and was going to send it to us for use in our classrooms; you'd have thought she was going to take us all on a shopping spree, we were so happy.  It was all so very sad...

Tori, Call me!

     I've been told by "cool people" that I'm not supposed to admit that I love the Tori and Dean show.  I was in bed with a sore throat today, and watched a Tori and Dean marathon, all episodes I've seen before, and I just don't care; I love this show.  I think I could totally be friends with Tori Spelling, and those are words I never thought I'd utter.  I want to check her book out from the library, and its all I can do to not run down there right now and pick it up.  At one point in the show today, Tori made me cry, and I'm not ashamed to say that I cried at the exact same point in this episode the last time I saw it.  I'm a total fan, and now everyone knows it.  Well, everyone who reads this blog.  So, all both people know it.

     I don't know how I can love really intelligent shows like the West Wing and love Tori and Dean.  I'm a television chameleon, I guess.  On principle, I don't like reality TV, unless its cooking or decorating shows (which are apparently in the reality category, but I don't really think of eating a stick of butter in every meal "reality") but I can't help myself when it comes to Tori. 

     Speaking of TV, I finally watched the season premier of Grey's Anatomy last night (one of my "intelligent shows" ; right!) and I dare say miss Meredith put on a few needed pounds.  I still find her hard to look at, but I watch the show anyway.  It fills the time between Mad Men episodes and the return of Lost.  

     Upon further reflection, I think it would be hard to be friends with Tori.  I sit around all day watching her show, and she seems to work pretty hard.  So what if she's working at decorating her house, at least she's in the game.  I don't think I'd have the  patience to look at fabric samples with her, unless she was buying lunch after.  I think she has a bawdy sense of humor, though, and I could totally get behind that.  But, I guess I'll just have to make do with my current friends, even though they're totally unlike BFF Tori.  Oh well...