Suze Orman Blues

My mind is racing this afternoon. I had a lovely relaxing day, complete with breakfast out, a long walk, and a nap, but I don't feel relaxed. Its amazing how you can think you're relaxing, and feel no lasting effects. The problem is, I just watched Suze Orman on the Oprah show, and I like her a lot, but she stresses me out.

Her whole thing is to live in honesty and integrity which includes living within your means. I am on the fence about this. I mean, I'm all for living within one's means, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm actually doing it. I wont go into detail about my finances, although I'm tempted to because there are a lot of things I'm proud of. Some of those things were effort and good decision making, and some of them were dumb luck and planets in alignment. I never thought I would be one of those people who try to keep up with their neighbors, but it is hard when all your neighbors seem to have more of everything than you do. More money, more kids, bigger house, newer car, unlimited texting, you name it. So, I'm right on the fence between living within my means, and outside them, and straddling this fence is not comfortable.

Sometimes I think that I really need to get a job. I do odd jobs here and there, but they don't amount to any reliable money. Here's my rationale: I wanted to have three kids, and I got one; the experience of hands-on raising a kid, and giving her the best possible childhood is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and before you know it, she'll be grown up and the hands-on part will be over. There are a few things I never want to look back on with regret, and I feel like working instead of staying home right now would be one of them. I know there are some people for whom this is not a choice, and I know there are some people who are happier working than staying home with children, and I am straddling both those fences, too (ouchie!) Would I be more financially secure if I brought in an additional income? Yes. Would I be happier doing fun work than sitting around watching Suze Orman on Oprah? Maybe, I'm not sure. Sometimes I fantasize about working. I also fantasize about having an Iphone.

I don't have a great track record with being happy in jobs. Someone is always pissing me off, and I'm often stressed out, and the grass is always greener on the sofa. I did work for two years after Leila was born, and I was pretty miserable, but not because I wasn't with my kid, mostly because the work environment was toxic. I didn't miss her that much. Is that a terrible thing for a mother to say, that I didn't miss my kid that much when I worked full time? I have a friend who misses her kids after being separated from them for an hour.

I don't know. Sometimes I think about trying to find a job, but there seem to be so many obstacles. I only want to work part time, during school hours, the money has to be good enough to be worth it, and I don't want to work with people I will hate who make me feel small. This is getting morose. Usually I feel lighter after writing, but right now I'm feeling like a loser. I find comfort in the fact that I am not the only parent of a first grader going through growing pains, trying to figure out the next step.

Maybe I'll be a poet. Maybe I'll be a chef. Maybe I'll be a community organizer. Maybe I'll be a counselor. Maybe I'll sell my organs on the black market. Maybe I'll be a rock star. Maybe I'll be motivational speaker...