How I lost my cool and got a facial

Dudes, I am in the tall grass.  I have so much to do right now, I don't even know what I have to do.  And if that makes no sense at all, welcome to my brain.  But on another note...

1) This is how cool the internet is: a) I put in my post the other day about Oprah's Australia trip that I wanted a reader in Australia to give me an invitation to their house in Australia, and SOMEONE DID. b) I follow Steve Martin (that Steve Martin) on twitter and I tweeted him that my nine year-old wants to learn to play the banjo and what did he think, and HE TWEETED ME BACK.  His answer wasn't helpful, but that's not the point.

2) I locked myself out of my house yesterday.  Grabbed the wrong set of keys as I walked out the door, and the neighbor who has the spare key wasn't home.  So I tried a couple of windows thinking, they're cheap-ass old aluminum windows, one of them will budge.   Nope.  So then I remembered  the one other time we had to break into our house and how we did it, but it required me to get the ladder, and figure out how to open it since it is a new-fangled thing and I normally am not the one in my family who climbs ladders.  Then, I managed to get one window open, but realized that the ladder was too short for me to really hoist myself into the house.  I could lean into the window, at around my ribs, but there was nothing for my feet to push off of.  So I got off the ladder and started circling the house like a tiger on the outside of a cage who really wants to get into the cage, and all this time my dog is freaking out inside wondering why I wont come in, and I'm sweating like a pig from climbing up and down a ladder and forcing windows.  This same dog is unfortunately too short to get the other set of keys off the hook, and even if he wasn't, he doesn't speak much English as evidenced by the blank stare he gives me when I tell him to sit.

Finally, I decided that if I wanted to get in the house, I was going to have to go back up the ladder and figure out how to throw my body through the half open window.  I climbed back up, leaned into the window, and just started willing my body to go through.  I somehow made it far enough in so that my hips were resting on the window sill, my hands were stretched down to the floor like a push-up, and my legs were flailing around sticking out of the side of the house.  The heater vent is right under this window and it was blowing hot hair onto my already over-heated body, my hair was in my face, and my dog was now going completely apeshit and alternately barking in my ear and licking me, and I couldn't push him away because a) he would come right back and b) my head would hit the wood floor and I'd probably get a concussion.  So I stayed like that for a while, wondering between dog licks how I was going to get in the house without breaking my legs, and then I just went for it and wiggled the rest of the way in and fell on the floor.  I wasn't hurt, the dog and I were both relieved, and I went right outside and hid a spare key. 

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.  I think I have to sign off for this week until after the Variety Show.  I will give you the full low down next week.

Plumber Butt

I just had a mani-pedi (kind of a new thing for me) and my jeans are falling down but I don't want to yank them up for fear of destroying my nice, freshly painted nails.  So I'm sitting here at my desk with complete plumber-butt.  I'll hoist them back into position when I go to the school for Variety Show rehearsal.

Ah, the Variety Show.  Or, as I like to call it, The Nightmare that Wont Go Away. People, this thing is so much freakin' work, and I have five other people doing this with me!  You know what freaks me out most?  Its that there are other events at this school that are organized by volunteers, that are ten times the amount of work of the Variety Show.  I just don't understand how these moms (mostly moms) manage to do all that they do.  I had a dad, who is a reader (you know who you are SS) ask me, "How do you do it?"  and there is a really easy answer: "I don't." My house looks like a tornado hit it, no one in my family has had a home cooked meal in weeks, my dog keeps giving me looks that say, "You used to love me." and I am falling into a deep sleep well before my husband even comes to bed which I don't think has ever happened in our entire marriage.

On that note, I fell asleep before him the other day, and he took my iPhone and recorded me snoring.  Can you believe that?  He says I told him to do it, but who can tell; I'm only half paying attention to our conversations these days.  So, now that I'm 40, I am definitely losing my short-term memory (as people told me I would,) when I need to go pee, I need to go RIGHT AWAY, and I snore. 

Every day is just better and better.  What were we talking about?

Can I just Say

I know you've probably had enough Oprah out of me, that you're all Oprahed out, but can I just say how much I am totally enjoying her whole Australia thing?  I've watched all four days of it, and a) I want to go to Australia more than I want to go anywhere else in the world, b) I want to go with Oprah - actually scratch that, I want to go as Oprah; that woman knows how to travel. And c) I want to make a bunch of Australian friends.  So if you're an Australian and you're in Australia, please leave me a comment and invite me to your house. 

Oprah is eating a vegemite sandwich on my TV right now, and she likes it.  The crowd is going crazy.  Next is Nicole Kidman and her husband and their whole big bag of BS.

Honestly, I've been so busy lately, so many irons in the fire, going in so many different directions, I haven't had time to notice anything much less write about anything.  (Except, of course, Wiener Man from the other day, which is how we are referring to him now.) Oprah is the only thing that is keeping me going right now.  Her and the nilla wafers.

Have a good weekend!

I Simply do Not Have Time for Sidewalk Masturbators

That title should say it all, shouldn't it? No?  Okay here's more!

I was having a really busy day, trying to get a bunch of stuff done and this was not how I thought my afternoon would go.  I was standing on the street today talking to my friend (who I already knew is hot, but I had no idea how hot) and she suddenly gasped and when I looked up, there was a guy with his junk out of his pants, fondling himself.

I've seen this guy before, for years actually, and assumed that he was developmentally disabled, so I didn't think too much of it, but I called the police anyway and officers came to the scene.  Turns out, not disabled.  I had to ID him on the street from the back of a patrol car, and, since I was the one who witnessed his little escapade, I had to decide whether or not he should get arrested, which I did, and he was.  I actually hesitated for a minute, but then I came to my senses.  There are kids in this neighborhood, y'know?

I thought they would track him down, and tell his caretaker to keep a closer eye on him and his junk, but instead, he's in jail this afternoon.

Now I need a glass of wine.  I wasn't at all rattled at the sight of his pee pee, but having police in your house, riding in the back of a police car, and knowing that you got someone arrested, someone who knows where you live, is enough to cause a nervous tummy. 

The funniest part was that a good friend drove by while I was talking to the officers outside my house and put her thumb and pinky to her ear and lips and mouthed the words, "Call me!"

Me on Oprah

Did you see me?

Okay, did you see me that time?

That's me right there, leaning over to tell E.  that I need a Container Store gift card
like I need a hole in the head.

My moment of glory, over in about half a second. 
Totally worth it, though.  Totally.

My National Television Debut!

Readers, I am one stressed out little schnauzer right now.  And you want to know the totally lame part?  I am stressed out by things I don't really have to do.  I have a part time job that I thought I would need when Rob's employment was precarious last summer, but its not precarious anymore and I don't need the job, but now I'm in it and committed, and its stressing me out today.  Then there's the Variety Show, which isn't really stressful right now, but just adds to the ever growing pile of crap in my brain. 

I made a note the other day to do a blog post about animal management and nose picking.  I can't for the life of me remember what I was going to tell you about nose picking.  That you should do it?  That you shouldn't?  That we should all do it in unison?  I have no idea.  The animal management topic I can put off because what I really want to tell you about is:  OPRAH

The show that I went to in November is airing this Thursday, the 13th.  Get your DVRs ready!!  If you want to try to find me in the audience (not that I will be visible, I was behind the camera man the whole time) I am wearing a bright pink sweater (thinking that was a great idea, but a lot of people wear that color thinking the same thing) and I am...  how do I explain to you where I am?  If you imagine the studio seating as the lower two thirds of a clock face, I am at 8:30, in the upper section, in the second row, two seats in from where the guests come in (not the guests on my show, they came in from back stage, but a lot of guests come in this way.)  When I watch it, and if I'm visible, I'll let you know exactly the moment you can see me. 

Because I know you are just at the edge of your seat...

Quick Update

I don't even know where to start.  Really, I don't.  Do I start with Christmas?  Too long ago.  New Years? Nice but uneventful.  Variety Show?  Maybe there.  That's what has been taking up all my precious blogging time.  I have come to realize that all the chaos of this show is inside of me and no where else, because everything is organized and running smoothly and ahead of schedule.  So, there's not really that much to talk about there, either.  Except that Leila told me she had changed her mind and didn't want to do it anymore.  I almost knocked her block off.  If I have to do it, she has to do it, because I'm the mom and I say so.  Doesn't want to do it anymore... Jesus.

Here's a funny thing about the Variety Show.  I recorded all these new shows on Oprah's new network OWN (you know Oprah, my best friend, whose free boots I ordered today) and I watched Season 25 last night (the behind the scenes look at what goes in to producing her show.)  While I was falling asleep, I had this new excitement about the Variety Show because I was fancying myself as a big time producer.  I envisioned wearing bifocals and a mic on my head that leads to nowhere, just so I can look official.  I'll throw up if I wear my glasses during the show (and what a show that would be) and, even though being totally dorky in private (or just in front of you guys) is totally okay, I don't think I can pull of a head-mic-thing-attached-to-nothing without showing my dorkiness to the whole gymnasium full of parents.  I think I'll have to stick to a clip board.  I actually bought a new one today.  A nice, shiny clip board.  Hm.  I'm the tiniest bit ashamed right now...

Other than that, my home has been completely neglected, or, rather, more neglected than usual.  We're doing our annual pantry eating this month; What's for dinner?  Whatever that mystery thing wrapped in foil in the freezer is, that's what we're having!