Remember how proud I was yesterday? How kick-ass? How on top of it? Well, it all went in the crapper. Not really, but a little bit.
I lost my will to do anything but sit on the couch yesterday, so I did not make dinner, could not bring myself to eat the left over curry, was whiny and loser-like, so Rob went and got me a burrito. Then today I took my mother to lunch, but, believe me: with the free two-week trip to Hawaii coming up next month, lunch is a wise, dividend-paying investment. It was never going to last, we had to have known that, right? I'm not giving up, though! I'm right back on the wagon today! Except I'm not really.
I'm just not feeling that great. I've been sleeping like the dead, which is wonderful, but unusual for me. I am often woken by a cat crawling on me, or by heavy rain, and I'm usually awake and coherent by the time the alarm goes off, but the last two nights have been like black holes of sleep, and I am alarmed by the alarm, and confused and exhausted.
Last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with Michael C Hall from Dexter and he was wearing the knit cap he wore to the Golden Globes and the SAG awards (yes, I watched both, and I'm not the least bit ashamed) and he has a big lesion type thing on his face. Just then, Rob woke me up to kiss me goodbye, and he was wearing a knit cap, and I was flummoxed for a sec'.
I am very fearful of getting sick, so every feeling I have that isn't typical is a sure sign of my oncoming demise. I have a big cyst on my face (its gnarly, you don't want to know about it) and its infected right now, and I'm sure this means that I will somehow end up in the hospital with IVs. I have to calm down. I have to make dinner! (Rob is grossed out by my cyst, and says that if he touches it, the baby spiders will come pouring out. Its so nasty.)
On another topic all together, if you are a stay-at-home parent, or even a parent working part-time but still the primary caregiver to your children (or you were at some point) tell me: did you perceive an image of the perfect Stay-at-Home-Parent? I'd really like to know, so please leave your answer in the comments. I'm curious to see if its just me. My whole blog depends on this myth existing, so I can continue to write about how I will never live up to it, but no pressure...
You know my answer - it's the version from the past in that article I sent to you, which is why I will NEVER be the perfect stay at home mom...
Of course my "vision" looks different from reality. I didn't anticipate how hard it would be to keep the house looking Brady Bunch perfect. So I pretty much gave up - until the little people stop making messes, at least.
I thought that it would be easier to stay motivated. Wow - I will be home all day! I can cook a nice dinner every night, make all the beds every day, keep the house clean. I will have so much more time than when I was working! Well, I have had a cleaning lady (now a husband and wife) for probably 10 of the last 13 years I have been a SAHM. The house still does not stay clean. They were here yesterday, and tonight I go into the basement and there is popcorn and gogurt wrappers on the floor. I have no motivation to cook most of the time because my kids are super picky and alot of the time my husband wants to come home and work out before he eats, so why cook a big meal? And I hate to drag kids with me anywhere, so I am still heading out the door at night to do errands alone if I haven't gotten them done in the 4 hours I have in the morning 4 days a week. In the fall they will all be in school all day. I will have to let you know then if I feel like I can keep up.
As I told you, I think it is easy to be a good housewife, it is measureable and I feel like though I am not perfect, I know that I do the best that I can with the time that I have. As far as being a good mom, that I feel I could always do better. No matter what I do, I think I could have done it better, mostly I feel that I could have been more present. That is the major thing for me. I feel very distracted by the list of things in my head and on paper that I need to do. I can do housework while distracted and not feel badly about it, but I find it very hard to focus during my time with the kids.
Perfect stay at home mom, house is spotless, laundry is always done, kids are SO happy and why not, mom is always home. Mom is always happy to run errands with happy kids in the cart (because all those crying kids I saw before I had kids, surely had stressed parents and that wasn't a stay at home mom). Happy to see her husband at night with dinner waiting. (sounds very 1950's right?)
I now dread my husband being home because all he will see if how much I didn't get done during the day and that the house, probably looks pretty close to it did that morning. ;) And my happy to ride through the cart in the grocery store kid, yea, she screams until I get her the fabulous free cookie in the bakery (did I mention my kid was going to eat all organic, no sugar or preservatives?) yea....
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