Its after midnight as I write this and I'm not in the mood to sleep. Which is not to say that I'm not sleepy, I'm yawning and everything, but its quiet and dark and I'm a little keyed up.
Its Oprah's fault. After all televisions being tuned to basketball all weekend, I settled in to watch some OWN. She interviewed the Facebook COO lady, Justice Sotomayor, Beyonce, and Stevie Nicks. Not all together, although that would be very entertaining. Then I went to bed and read some more stuff in my Oprah magazine, and now I'm all pumped up on Oprah.
Problem is, all these interviews and articles are meant to be empowering, and motivating, and, honestly, all they make me feel is, "I am such a little chicken shit."
They leave me confused about what I'm supposed to do. Two of the women interviewed threw themselves into work, and wrote books, and the other two also threw themselves into work, but all the while pursuing their artistic imperatives. I spend an awful lot of time watching TV and talking to my dog. I would go out and start being my best self tomorrow, but I have to go to the post office, and we're out of bread and cat litter.
I like my life. I like it a lot, TV and all, but I wonder if one day I'll look back and gawk at all the time I've wasted. Or maybe all this wasted time will culminate in something amazing. Maybe I'm just biding my time waiting around for my a-ha moment and after that, things will really get rolling. We're not all going to be supreme court justices, or run internet companies, or be rock stars (although I think I still have a shot at that last one, what with the bangs) but what kind of dreams do you dream when you're 42 and you haven't figured out what you want to be when you grow up? I dream that there will be a block of really good decorating shows on my DVR tomorrow when I get home. I dream that I will have an inspiration about what to make for dinner, and I will bliss out cooking it while listening to music. I dream that my cat will go a day without puking on my rug. I dream that I make it through the day without consuming more than my allotment of 1533 calories. That I will have remembered to put a coke in the fridge before I'm ready to drink a cold one. That the prices on round trips from Seattle come down this week. I dream that, some day, I will get a new garage door, and find the right rug for my bedroom. I dream that my foot will get better and that I'll be able to wear high heels again. Is that enough? The women in these interviews said to "aim high" and that they were proof that you could make your dreams come true. What if your dreams are little instead of big?
My mom dreamed of seeing the world and she did. Right now, I am dreaming of seeing the inside of my eyelids, and of getting my permanent crown so I can stop clenching my teeth. That's enough, right?
Nothing wrong with small dreams if you ask me. I'm exhausted with all of the "dream big" "live every moment" jazz. Life (can be) very hard, and if you're happy (and you know it) clap your hands - you're beating the odds. I know our mothers didn't intend for "you can do anything" to become "you have to do everything, look awesome doing it, and make it look effortless" and yet, here we are. I don't see any reason to complicate things if you're not feelin' it.
Thank you. I feel better.
I'm right there with you, about both the dreams and the easter candy! We are definitely living the way life was intended: in the moment.
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