Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Jive Turkey

So, there is a turkey loitering around my neighborhood. Actually, I can hardly call it "my neighborhood" anymore, considering I haven't spent a night there in four months, but you know what I mean.

Long ago, someone thought it would be a great idea to have these turkeys on their farm and brought them in from somewhere else without realizing - or caring - that turkeys don't care about the fences you put up, and now there are roving gangs of wild turkeys all over this county. They normally stick to open space and rural areas, and you'll see a group of them crossing your path while you hike. They also usually travel in groups.

This guy has clearly been separated from his pack, or maybe they kicked him out for being such a moron, and he's been roaming around the neighborhood, chortling, for a few months. I saw him on the roof of my garage quite a while ago, and it was a strange occurrence, but now he's just moved in. My neighbors tell me you can hear him waddling down the street muttering to himself at four in the morning.

He is as stupid as they come. Cars slow down for him, and he walks in front of them and stops and stands there, gobbling. I have taken to accelerating slowly, like how you see people just walk through chickens on TV, and he does move out of the way eventually, but now he has taken to attacking my tires.

I think he is attracted to the shiny wheels. How they spin. So pretty. He is so effing stupid. He was dangling around the post office yesterday, and went after my wheels again. I decided to ignore him. Survival of the fittest; if I run over him, he asked for it. So I just accelerated through him, and he seemed a little annoyed that the pretty shiny wheels were going too fast and showed me all his tail feathers and gobble-gobbled at me through the window.

He has a pretty blue head, though, so he's got that going for him. Dumb turkey.

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