Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm So Freakin' Old

God, I'm so fat and sleepy and old and hungry.  I got new lenses in my glasses.  I hadn't had my eyes checked for seven years (I thought it had been, like, four) and my right eye was exactly the same, but my left eye was all effed up.  My old prescription was just barely a prescription; just so I didn't get headaches while using the computer.  But the new one... whoa.  These things are actually like glasses rather than a wardrobe accessory.  The eye doctor guy looked at my file and saw my age (39 and 10 months) and was all "Oh.  Yeah, well, you're at that age."  uh huh, yeah...

So now I'm looking at my screen with these new old-lady glasses, and I think they're making me nauseous.  That's normal right? I can't accidentally wear them across the house to go check the laundry, I learned that the hard way.  I'll have to get one of those little beaded strings that ladies of a certain age attach their glasses to so they can read menus and parking tickets.

And!  I am hungry all the time.  I just want to eat eat eat.  I guess that's not new, but its really intense right now, and no, I'm not getting my period.   I eat something, and I just want to eat more.  And I don't even have the benefit of being high.

Here's something totally else, though.  The post I did on appliance maintenance the other day?  That post got me more attention in the schoolyard than a bad reputation.  Bored Housewives all over the place had all kinds of questions about their washer and dryers.  I feel like I should ask the maintenance man who came to my house to do a seminar in my living room where I serve cosmopolitans and he explains how to flush the water pump on your washing machine.  I forgot to tell you the most important thing he said!  Its about detergent, for dish washers and for washing machines: for a front loading washing machine, A) only use high efficiency detergent (the regular kind gets way more sudsy and can kill your washer,) and B) only use a shot-glass full.  He said he uses powdered detergent and actually put a shot glass in the box to remind his wife.  The same is apparently true for top loaders and  dishwashers.  Do not go by what the label on the detergent says!  I have tried it for you on about six loads of laundry, and I can attest that there has been no difference between the loads I did with a half a cup or more of detergent, and the shot-glass amount.  All our underpants are clean and fresh as ever.

And with all the money you save on detergent, you can take me to lunch.
Now I have to take these damn glasses off and go throw up.

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