Monday, April 4, 2011

The Fog Lifted, The Angels Sang!

I figured it out, my darlings, I figured it out.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been a little out of it lately.  Uninspired, grumbly, tired, irritable, no zeal, no zest, no nothin'.  I haven't wanted to write this blog, and that hasn't happened in the whole TWO YEARS I've been doing this.  Those last few blog posts were dragged out of me by sheer duty to y'all and fear of losing you, and I started to wonder, Is this it?  Am I done?  Do I actually have nothing more to say?  The very idea that I will ever be quiet is ludicrous.  My yap is a force of nature bigger than myself, and I will never shut up.  Even if I'm boring your to tears, even if you've heard this one before, I always have something to go on and on about without the use of commas or personal filters.

So the other day, I'm hanging with one of my homeys, and all I wanted to do is go home and sit on my sofa and cry, and I figured out whats been afflicting me:

The pharmacy changed my birth control pills and sent me generic!  You wouldn't think that a little, blue, low dose pill could reek this much havoc, but mine is a delicate system, all kept in balance by these little honeys, and 18 days of the wrong thing sent me spiraling downward!  I haven't taken a pill since Thursday, and, man,  I am a whole new woman!  Or, at least, I'm the woman I was a few weeks ago.  If I was a whole new woman, I would have picked the model that likes to exercise and has smaller feet. 

Its great to be back, people!  I am awake!  I am smiling!  I am engaged with humanity!  I'm doing laundry, and going grocery shopping, and it doesn't suck as much as it did last week!  And I wanted to write again, which is truly a relief.  I've never had a hobby that has stuck until this blog, and I was really afraid that the well was dry.  But its not!  Halle - freakin - lujah!

Okay so here's the thing.  I keep saying "Have a good one!" to people.  Bagger at the grocery store: "Have a good one!" Mailman: "Have a good one!"  Daughter: "Have a good one!"  Every time it comes out of my mouth I cringe.  My mother used to say this to me as I was leaving for school in a sad attempt to be cool, and now I'm saying it. 

Today I actually said, "Have a great one!"  Must be another effect of the wrong pills; last week I wanted you to have a merely good one, this week I want you to have a GREAT one.  I have to stop, but it keeps flying out of my face!  What is a good substitute?  I don't want to say "Have a nice day."  It just sounds snarky.  So what?  I actually mean it when I tell the bank teller to Have a good one.  I'm a nice person.  I'm sincere.  I sincerely want her to have a good one.  A good what, though?  Day?  Lunch? Commute? Nooner?

I am accepting recommendations.  Have a good one.


Michelle said...

I don't like, "Have a good one," because it always prompts me to ask (and only to myself), a good what? A good BM, a good orgasm, a good sneeze, a good what? I also don't like it when clerks or waiters ask, "How are we today." It always prompts me to respond in a snarky way, "Well I am fine, I hope you are too." We are not WE! Glad to hear you're back. Stay away from those generic brands!

Anonymous said...

Honestly....if you wrote a book....I would buy it. You are freaking hilarious.

From an anonymous fellow bored housewife in Edmonton Canada. Please don't make your blog password protected now that you are horrified at the fact that I am reading this in my p.j.s from the great white north.


Bored Housewife said...

Kandace, my darling, we are all in our Pjs. I got dressed at noon today, only because I had to take my kid to the skating rink.

Meg said...

Michelle, is there such thing as a bad orgasm? Glad you're back BH.