Monday, December 17, 2012

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Its Sunday as I write this, and I am having a really hard time getting past the tragedy on Friday.  It leaves me wondering if my comeback is more fragile than I thought or whether crying in the shower is the only sane and rational response to what happened.  I've decided its because they were little, little kids.  Which, when you think about it, is kind of ridiculous: The people who died in Aurora were somebody's kids, and the mall in Portland, and Gabbie Giffords, and the victims of the other senseless acts of violence that occur every day around this country.  Were any of those people assholes who deserved it?  Maybe a couple, you never know, but probably not, right?  Maybe its just that these little kids didn't even have enough time on this earth to potentially become assholes.  They were sweet, untainted, innocent little babies. And teachers.  Brave, brave teachers.

L doesn't know anything about what happened, but I suspect that by the end of the school day tomorrow she will.  I will have to answer questions.  Like, Why?  I have been trying to teach her that there is more good in the world than bad, and I truly believe that there is, but its kind of hard to make a convincing argument right now.  For a kid like Leila, who likes rules and order and tradition, how can I teach her that she will have to leave room for chaos and randomness?  And that sometimes, even when it seems impossible, she's going to have to bend her brain around things like Friday?  Or should anyone bend their brains around it?  Maybe that's the problem; we've gotten used to things like this and our brains are already bent and we need to unbend them.

I'm rambling.  I'm so sad.  My stomach hurts and I'm having trouble getting to sleep at night, and I have to go to a basketball game in and hour.  I'm going to watch little kids wrestle on the floor over a basketball, get fouled, make and miss baskets, and I'm going to cheer for both sides, and try to get my mind closer to home for a while.

God, this sucks.

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