Thursday, November 15, 2012

What Kind of Farter are You?

Have you heard of that blogger, Bored Housewife?  She's terrible.  She never writes.  What's the point?  Such a let down.

So I dropped off the planet again.  Not as bad as last time, but enough that I was uninspired and felt completely unfunny and blah and like no one would have any interest in what I was up to, especially since I wasn't up to anything: Get up, get kid off to school, go back to bed/watch TV/maybe take a shower.  The end.

But I'm feeling better now, almost like my normal self.  I say almost because I don't know when I'll regress.  I sure hope this shit is over.  I have stuff to do.

I graduated from physical therapy today.  Nothing more he can do for me.  Last week, I had an experience that we have all had at one time or another, and if you deny you've had this experience, you're a dirty liar.

You know how sometimes, when you're at, say, the gynecologist's, or getting a massage, or, in my case, at physical therapy, and, at the worst possible time, you need to fart?  This usually happens while in the stirrups, or, in my case, while my physical therapy torturer guy was doing the deep tissue massage on my foot.  So my foot is up by his shoulder, and I'm all, Oh shit.

You do everything you can to hold that fart in.  No one wants someone to fart in their face, and no one, except older brothers, want to fart in anyone else's face.  So you lay there, and you suck that fart in as hard as you can, and you hope that that doctor or whoever gets a phone call or something so that you can just let that little guy out and relax and focus on what you're there to do, rather than putting all your energy into holding the fart in.

At some point, though, you realize that if you suck that fart in too hard and too long, it will turn upside down in there and come out quietly.  And stinkily.  So, you have to ask yourself: What's worse? Farting out loud in front of your care giver, perhaps even in their face, and then you laugh and say Oh my gosh how embarrassing! I'm so sorry! and you both have a giggle, and by the time you leave everyone has forgotten about it.  Or, do you risk the SBD and stink up the joint?  If you do this, you and the other person in the room will both know its you, because you're the only two in there, and the other person is not gonna call you out on it, and you're not going to say, Sorry, I farted and it stinks because then you might be calling attention to something that maybe the other person doesn't smell after all.  But, really, who are we kidding?  They totally smell it, and the minute you leave, they're going to tell their co workers about how you ripped a hot one and you'll be known as Farty Pants in the office from then on.

The rub is, that even if you go the fart-out-loud route and get it over with, and even if it doesn't stink, you and the other person will be subtly sniffing to see if you do smell something, and, I don't know about you, but if someone farts out loud around me, I always smell something, even if there's nothing to smell.

Clearly, I've thought a lot about this.  Maybe too much.  But I've decided that, barring the fortitude to hold that sucker in until I'm out the door, I'm choosing the fart-out-loud option.  You can just hold your head high, laugh it off, and show what a great sense of humor you have. And then you can just say, I bet you guys are all gonna call me Farty Pants after I leave, huh? and then they wont actually do it because they'll feel bad, and you've appealed to their humanity.  You can't talk about the fart too much, though, because then you're the weird client who brought way too much attention to an innocent little fart.  Hey, wait...

My mom is in her 70s, and the farts just come rumbling out of her.  They don't typically smell, but when she does it in the super market, she just prances along as though she doesn't hear a thing while leaving a trail of farts in her wake.  And that, my friends, is the right attitude about public farts.


Anja said...

nice to see somebody putting nearly the same amount of time into thoughts like "trying not to fart" like me.

i totally get you!

lots of love,


Anonymous said...

This made Me laugh soooooo much! Thank you x