I'm feeling a little better. I ate a cheeseburger on Friday night, and even as I was eating it I was thinking, this is a bad idea. I'm going to live to regret that bite, and that one, and that one. And you know what? I was right! I regretted that damned cheeseburger all night long, and all day the next day, and you know what else? My long suffering husband got to regret it, too! But I'm back on track now, the slow track to getting back to myself. I can't possibly explain how a cheeseburger relates to my ongoing anxiety, but it does.
On Sunday night, I had a burrito, but with no beans or cheese or anything good, just vegetables, and I cut it in half right away and was not tempted to eat the other half. It did not turn out to be regrettable. I drove my car yesterday for the first time in a month, to a bakery where I got an enormous apple croissant, of which I only ate half during the breakfast hour, and then nibbled judiciously for the rest of the day. It was not an ativan-free day, however, and I'm trying not to see that as a personal failure.
I had a first appointment with a new therapist. I had performance anxiety. So stupid. He was very psychologisty: grey hair, glasses on the end of this nose, legal pad, soft spoken, and his office had a day bed and a doll house in it. We didn't have any break throughs or anything, but we covered the big stuff, and I only cried a little bit.
So that's where we are. I had a big day yesterday, what with the car driving, and the croissant, so I'm taking it easy today. I did seven minutes on the eliptical and had to lie down for a half hour afterwards, I took a shower, I made a smoothie, and now I'm going to lie down again.
Thanks to all my friends and readers who are reaching out and checking in! You are wonderful!