Tuesday, February 2, 2010

What's more Disgusting?

So, some gross things happened in the last 24 hours, wanna hear about them? One is grosser than the other, and you get to vote which one you think is more nasty.

On Sunday, I went to the farmer's market to get Little Gem lettuce. Did you see that Oprah last week with Michael Pollan? All about the American diet? Well, I did, and it got me wondering why I stopped shopping at Whole Foods, and what the effect of that has been, and it isn't good. I bring home way more crap than I used to, most of the produce I buy is not organic like it used to be (you're reading a mom who made all her own organic baby food) and my whole family's dietary habits have suffered (Lucky Charms, much?) Anyway, I was inspired to go to the farmer's market where I bought my lettuce (the best lettuce EVER) a butternut squash, and some walnuts. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Okay, so the lettuce guy at the market says, Have you ever tried grilling the lettuce and serving it with a poached egg and crumbled bacon? Um, YUM! I have had this in a restaurant, and it is out of this world, so last night I decided to try it. I halve the lettuce, put it cut side down in a little left over bacon grease, and then I go to poach the eggs.

I have never poached an egg before, and I think I've only eaten two poached eggs in my life. So I follow the directions in my you-can-cook-anything-and-it-will-be-easy cookbook, and it was N.A.S.T.Y! I managed to get the yolks out of the pan, and even ate them on the wilted lettuce, and Rob generously said, this is delicious (such a liar) but it was a completely runny, soggy, snotty looking failure. The bacon though, as always, was awesome.

The second disgusting thing is this mountainous, volcanic cyst in the middle of my face. We have been making a lot of jokes about baby spiders escaping from it, and not angering it! and I've been getting a kick out of quickly turning my head when Rob goes in for a kiss so his lips land on the monstrosity (he's totally grossed out) and so on, but today I went to the doctor to have him do something about it. I would post of picture of it, but its so disgusting. Its red and swollen and pulsing (not really) and you really don't want to see it. Just ask the PTA ladies who had to stare at it all morning during our meeting. Everyone is so nice, and no one says anything, but I know they are thinking Mother of God! Is she trying to grow a third boob? I find myself hiding it with my hand, and then I think that appearing embarrassed about it is worse than just standing up tall and saying to the world, yes, I have an enormous boil on my face, and I'm still worthy of love! So the doctor came in the exam room took one look at it and screamed bloody murder because it really is that hideous. Not really, but he did shoot the thing full of cortizone to kill the baby spiders and the aliens living in there, and it should shrink down in a few days. Another option was to lance the thing and drain it (barf) but we went for option one, needle in the haystack-sized face-lump. Then he's all, It may burst when I stick the needle in. Uggggghhhhh! Gag me.

In other news, my dog keeps batting his little ball under the sofa and crying until I get it out. Then he bats it under there again, and cries some more. My knees can't take it, and he's driving me absolutely nuts. I try to throw another ball, or bribe him with xanax, but to no avail. Leila will be home soon, and it will be her job to retrieve the stupid ball from under the sofa. Note to self: destroy ball. In the process of trying to get to it, he is walking over this big bag of paper shavings that I emptied from the shredder. If he breaks that bag open, or wrecks my couch trying to get to that stupid ball, I'll have to strangle the little beast.

ADDENDUM: No, the baby spiders haven't hatched yet, but E invited me over tomorrow and is going to make me watch The Believers, a movie featuring a scene where spiders crawl out of a lump on a woman's face. Awesome!


lama said...

Have fun watching the spider movie. Sorry I had to bolt early and miss your report on the nominating committee! Are they kicking me off cuz Im a working mom now? :-(

Unknown said...

I've got you beat on disgusting, but it's so bad I can't type it; you'll have to ask me about it next time you see me at pick-up!

Jon said...

Hmmm... it's a close call, but I'm voting for "Watching Oprah last week." I get the chills just thinking about it.

Bored Housewife said...

Oh, Jon, you're so funny!