Thursday, December 22, 2011

I really hope I didn't make a judgy Face

So the other day, I decided to take myself to breakfast. I just couldn't take the thought of sitting in this cold, dark house under the watchful eye of my mom, and I wanted some french toast. I was sitting at a table where there is a long banquette on one side, and chairs on the other. I was on the banquette side, reading a book on my kindle, stuffing my face, but when I glance to my right, the woman sitting next to me had her shoe off, and had her bare foot up on her knee. Like the way guys sometimes sit. The tables were kind of close together, so her bare foot was, like, 18 inches away from my food. This kind of grossed me out. Its 40 degrees outside, I'm eating, PUT ON YOUR SHOE.

The next time I glanced over, her foot was on the table, just resting there, like it was completely normal to have your bare foot on the table at a restaurant. I should mention that this woman was with what I presume was her husband, and they were, except for the bare foot on the table, a perfectly boring looking couple.

So I'm staring at her foot out of the corner of my eye. I'm trying not to stare, but I'm failing, and suddenly she picks up her fork with her toes and starts eating her scrambled eggs. It was at this point that I noticed that SHE HAD NO ARMS. She then put down her fork, and picked up her english muffin between her first and second toe, and brought it effortlessly to her mouth and took a bite.

I now looked away quickly, because its one thing to stare at someone's bad manners and judge them, its another thing to stare at the accommodation someone has for their disability. That's just rude. So I put my book in my right hand, and looked away, even though what I wanted to do was stare openly, with my mouth hanging open and full of french toast, and ask her 100 questions.

How long has she been doing this? What else can she do with her toes? Does she play Angry Birds with them? Does she carry anti bacterial gel or wipes to clean off her foot after she takes it out of her shoe and before she eats with it? And if she does, how does she do it? With the other foot? Does she do lots of bendy yoga, or is it just the feet?

That is just a sampling of the questions that came into my mind. There were some sex questions in there, too (of course.) But I just read my book. Correction: I looked at my book and thought of everything I wanted to ask. Eventually, I did go back to reading. I was mostly over it. Well, that's not true at all, but without being able to stare and ask questions, I had to move on.

As I was kind of congratulating myself for letting them have their breakfast in peace without me stealing glances, a hippy-ish annoying lady walked by them and stopped to tell her how "cool" and "awesome" it was that she could eat with he toes. I rolled my eyes, thinking, Yes, I'm sure she thinks its awesome that she has no arms. Did you read Tina Fey's book? To paraphrase Ms, Fey, this dipshit woman was being amazing at her. The couple just kind of stared at her, and she went away. Then they finished their breakfast, paid their check and when she got up, her husband put her bag over her shoulder, and they split.

So many questions!!!!

1 comment:

Joan Crawford said...

I think if her husband has a foot fetish then the sex should be most amazing indeed. Incidentally, it was apparently extremely erotic for men to masturbate with (or maybe just over them or whatever) a woman's bound feet back in the Old Days in China. So, different strokes for making me feel oogy and all that.