Thursday, August 25, 2011


Its the fourth day of school, and I'm ready for summer vacation to start. I just feel assaulted by school this year. There's so much noise and talking and people and kids and bikes and paper! It almost makes me want to home school, until I realize I'd actually have my kid around me all day and I'd have to teach her stuff. I'll teach her how to get me a coke and scratch that place on my back that I can't reach. She's on her own for the rest.

And, in addition to having elementary school standing on my neck, I have a headache, accompanied by nausea and simultaneous hunger, that wont go away. I'm on Day Three of popping advil (to no avail) and belching. Damn period. If only I weren't so afraid of menopause. But I guess it doesn't really matter if I'm afraid of it or not, right? Its clear that my hormones don't care about me, never have and probably never will. My hormones just stand there in their leather studded biker jackets and flip me the bird. I have the Bernie Madoff of hormones. They're thugs waiting to ambush me and steal my sanity and my waistline. They hold a gun to my head and make me take little blue pills. Never been on my side, those fuckers.

Where was I? Oh yeah: school. This is longest week ever, and homework hasn't even started. Neither has piano. Now Leila wants to try fencing, so I've got to get that bullshit going.

Isn't 'Bullshit' the best word ever? Its especially good when my dad says it with his German accent. Or when Leila says it. She hardly ever does, because she's a good girl and knows what language she is allowed to use and what language is only okay in song lyrics, but every now and again she'll blurt it out for no reason and I just laugh and laugh. I know I shouldn't, but its funny. Its like my friends daughter who, at the age of three, named one of her dolls Asshole. It was just too funny to correct. Isn't it nice that children exist almost entirely for our amusement?

Can you tell I have a headache and I want to throw up and eat a big sandwich?

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