Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Is She Serious?

So, in one of my coupon searches, I got an offer for 90 days of free subscription for a bunch of different magazines, and I got my first one yesterday. It was Martha Stewart Living. I have one question: Is she serious?
I flipped through it, and it is very lovely, but I hardly have what it takes to flip through it again, let alone attempt any of the projects held in its pages. I will now flip to a page at random... Okay, this is an advertisement for Advair on one side, paint on the other. Let's try this again: Right: Glittered faux lemons. This is under the instructions for velvet leaves, and all of this is meant for a new year's eve table setting. I am confused. Why do I need a fancy table setting setting so I can watch New Year's Rockin' Eve and fall asleep on the couch? Do lemons represent something special about new year's eve? Years ago, Martha made centerpieces out of real lemons; are they out of vogue? Can I not use real lemons that I can later squeeze into a cocktail or over a piece of fish?
Let's do another one. (This is another version of the bible flip, only its a Martha flip and doesn't solve any quandaries whatsoever.) Okay, here's a menu for a Savory Buffet: It starts with Champagne, and, so far, I'm in. Then we move on to white crudites with buttermilk dip; I was fine with this until I realized it says "white" crudite. Without actually looking at the recipe, I envision cauliflower and white asparagus and she's lost me. Then there's oysters with mignonette gelee: really? I could probably manage mignonette sauce, but why does it need to be geleed? And am I really shucking my own oysters while I make rice stuffed cabbage and individual pork pot pies? Who has this kind of drive?
Now I'm looking at instructions on how to make body scrub. This seems easy enough to do, but by the time you buy all the ingredients, including essential oils, and special jars and label-sticker stuff, you're better off buying a gold brick as a gift. This is the kind of gift you would give you're neighbors or your kid's teacher, and they would say "wow! thanks!" and then wonder what the hell they're suppose to do with it.
Sorry, Martha. There is a recipe for a delicious looking chocolate bundt cake that I can get behind, but I am reminded why I stopped getting her magazine all those years ago. I feel a lot of pressure when I look at it. I read something once that said even Mrs. Cleaver could not have lived up to Martha Stewart Living. Oh, she might make a lemon pie for dessert, wearing pearls and heels, but were they meyer lemons? Did she grow them herself? Did she churn the butter for the crust and did her own chickens lay the eggs for the custard? Did she build the hen house?
Pass the chardonnay, I'm exhausted.

No comments: